The Emotionally Absent Mother, Second Edition Paperback – April 18, 2017

I had heard about this book from I do not recall where. I will, however, recall how much I have learned from it. It is smartly written, backed up my years of research and includes questions, lists for the reader to review. It was a bit painful to read at times but the insight it has given me far exceeded that. I have recommended to my sisters as well. I strongly suggest anyone with mother's who had difficulty parenting or being present to read this book. It is illuminating and will give you tremendous insight as well as comfort that you are not alone in how you were raised and how you might continue to feel. It is helpful in healing. My mother came here on an arranged marriage from the Middle East. She was 17, he was 52. 4 children by the times she was 24. One summer they went back to spend a summer with family. He caught wind that she went to her parents and begged for a divorce (He was emotionally, physically & sexually abusive). Her depression was evident and, without disclosing what he heard, he sent her back here & left the children to finish their vacation coming back in a month's time. He then went into "hiding" with them. By the time he returned he had a new (older, old maid type) of wife and prevented her from seeing them (it was the 50's AND the culture in arab dominated locations here) She married my father to 'replace' the four kids she lost (adding to that, our father left her with 4 kids under the age of 5 as he chose drinking & irresponsibility for a life). A recipe for disaster in parenting in a healthy manner. IN any event (I am not one to be so forthcoming with this but feel it is important for context) it was not a healthy environment for us, we did not know about her past. My point is that there are a variety of ways that cause a mother to be 'absent'. Certainly alcohol plays a part for some. My general point is that there is always a back story and although this material was not available to those of us from a certain generation, it is now and gives a great many people to understand, forgive, and repair. I guarantee that.

This book is a game-changer for me. I say "is" rather than "has been," because I just read it once, like a novel (it's that well written!), and I now plan to go back and re-read it as a workbook and to do the exercises. Just after a quick read though, I believe - for the first time in my life (I am in my 40s) - that I can change what I had thought were core aspects of my personality, and that it is possible to heal the wounds inflicted by one's childhood. To know if this is a book for you, see if you can relate to this: I always knew I had a "bad" mother, but because I was not severely neglected or abused, I could not verbalize what the problems were and I even mocked myself for my own grief. It was only after reading this book that I realized that my mother used to ridicule my feelings, the way I was ridiculing myself as an adult; and consistently put her emotional needs ahead of mine, often projecting them onto me. At some point, I just shut down and refused to acknowledge any feelings or emotional needs, and this has continued into my adult life. I didn't think it was possible for me to be any other way. The book already has empowered me to believe in my capacity to make positive changes, and make me think that maybe, just maybe, I can be a good mother myself. Also, for those who may be put off by the mystical-poetry-and-yoga aspects of the author, please know that I am on the Ron Swanson side of the fence and would have rather spent a couple hours doing crossword puzzles or going to a fancy restaurant than reading a self-help book, but I am so glad I did. This book will make you make your pain come to the surface, but it will give you realistic tools for dealing with it when it's there. Bon voyage, fellow undermothered souls.

Difficult to put this book down! It speaks to all who have lived with the hollow void left by the woman who lacks the emotional capacity to fulfill her maternal role. She's like a theatrical character unable to speak her lines. A sorrowful tale of the human condition, but an honest one. No, it was not your imagination nor your fault. Beyond the ornate closed door, she deceives everyone except you. She is a dower shell of the person in the fairytales; lacking both heart and soul. In case you have forgotten or wish to pretend otherwise, this book will not license you to fade the truth or distort the reality of her failings. Once you come to terms and accept what you have been denied, best with the support of a mental health professional, you can begin to accept and heal your scars and forgive your failings; knowing she never bestowed the tools necessary to build a healthy emotional childhood foundation. The exercises bring it all into sharp focus. A malignant woman who lacked the emotional bandwidth to accept her maternal assignment. One of the best books for exfoliating the exterior emotional damage starting not where you left off, but charting a new path armed with knowledge and forgiveness-your own!

The reading is intense and I have not been able to find it on my kindle auditory to listen along when I read my kindle.