Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding

This is a review of "Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding," and also a comparison of this book to "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette" by Peggy Post.First and foremost, it seems obvious, but don't buy this book if you don't like Miss Manners' style of writing. Many newspapers run a Miss Manners column, you can use the "Look inside this book" Amazon feature, or you can Google for "advice by Miss Manners" for some sample columns. People tend to either love or hate Miss Manners - I personally find her very arch and witty, but I have friends who feel her dry tone and third-person self-references to be intolerably snooty.Much of this book is a reprisal of "Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings," so if you have that book already I'm not sure you need to buy this one as well. The only particular advice I can remember that has been updated for modern times is that Miss Manners tolerates the discreet inclusion of registry information on a wedding website. Other than that, the advice is much the same.In comparison to Emily Post's "Wedding Etiquette", "Wedding Etiquette" is more of a general guide for wedding planning, with some etiquette advice thrown in, whereas Miss Manners' book is mostly about etiquette, with little advice on wedding planning. Whether this is good or bad for you depends on whether you are already getting that planning advice from elsewhere. For example, Post's "Wedding Etiquette" has a very long section on different ways to word the invitation (depending on who is hosting, etc), whereas "Surprisingly Dignified Wedding" has a much shorter section for this. Chances are, though, that you will get a detailed guide from your stationer when you order your invitations, so the extra pages in Post's "Wedding Etiquette" may not be providing that much value to you.Post's "Wedding Etiquette" tends to be more clear and direct (perhaps it's just that Peggy Post has a more direct writing style, while Miss Manners sometimes sacrifices clarity for cleverness). While Miss Manners agrees with Peggy Post on most issues, sometimes the actual etiquette advice does differ. For example, let's consider the question of whether a guest is required to bring a gift to the wedding. Peggy Post writes straightforwardly that "Invited guests have an obligation to send a gift, whether they are attending or not." On the other hand, Miss Manners maintains that an invitation does not constitute an obligation to send a present, but "if you do not feel sufficiently pleased by someone's marriage to be moved to try to contribute to that person's happiness, you don't belong at the wedding." This essentially boils down to "you must bring a present if you attend the wedding, but not if you decline the invitation," but the way it is phrased is a little oblique.Miss Manners also tends to be stricter and require you to make more sacrifices for etiquette, while Peggy Post tends to make more allowances for convenience and personal preferences. For example, Miss Manners is very much against the idea of reducing the guest list to trim the budget, or to allow the wedding to fit in your chosen reception space. She believes it is rude to consider a location or style of entertaining more important than the presence of guests ("We had to choose between having the wedding in a charming little place without you, or in an ordinary place with you, and we decided to lose you." She would rather you invite everyone who should be invited, and have a simple punch-and-cake reception. On the other hand, Peggy Post does recommend cutting the guest list to preserve the budget.Overall, I prefer Miss Manners' "Surprisingly Dignified Wedding" over Post's "Wedding Etiquette." I like that Miss Manners tends to have stricter etiquette rules than Peggy Post. Much of my purpose for reading a wedding etiquette book was to figure out how to be as polite as possible, not how much I could toe the line and still be considered within the bounds of etiquette. Also, much of the wedding planning advice in Post's "Wedding Etiquette" is duplicated in my wedding planner and in wedding magazines, so the extra depth there was not as useful to me. However if you are not buying a lot of wedding planning materials and are looking for one book as an all-in-one guide, then I would recommend Post's "Wedding Etiquette" as a more comprehensive resource.

I eagerly bought this book after attending a dozen weddings in the past couple of years that could only be described as appalling. I thought it was just me, that I had become a curmudgeon who cannot tolerate the circus extravaganza that is the "modern wedding." After attending weddings where the receptions gave me a splitting headache (and not from the booze); where the bride had twenty bridesmaids, half of whom she barely knows but she had to top the wedding she went to last year; where the bride's parents complained to me for months prior to the wedding about how much all of the "absolutely essential" crap for the wedding was going to cost but they just couldn't say no to their princess; I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I was so delighted to see that Miss Manners seems to agree with me. Weddings today have turned into Hollywood productions, complete with red carpets and brides and maids in slutty dresses. It is the rare treat when I go to a wedding that is a bit lower in key, where the noise level is such that I can speak easily to the person sitting next to me at the reception; where the bridal party is not announced by a guy with a loudspeaker (with lots of reverb) and the bridal party then runs into the reception like the Chicago Bears running into Soldier Field; where the bridal party behaves like ladies and gentlemen and not like they are out clubbing on a Saturday night.Weddings should be a celebration of the love of the bride and groom, and are the beginning of a new family. They should not be the basis for a reality show for who can top the others in producing the biggest party or the splashiest theme. In fact, I believe Miss Manners pointed out that the "theme" for your wedding should be...wedding, NOT "Gone With The Wind."I suppose most of her advice will be lost on those women today who are described by all who know them as Bridezillas. But for the bride, or the parents, who wish to have a nice, dignified ceremony and reception that will not cost the GDP of a small nation but will delight all who are invited, and will be remembered fondly for years to come, this is your book. In fact, after I read it I ordered copies which I will give as Christmas gifts to my friends who have teenaged daughters and are dreading having to pay for the "modern American wedding."

For anyone looking to avoid all the craziness of large, modern weddings, or looking to tone down the excess of a modern wedding, this book is for you! Not only does the advice make sense, Miss Manners gives you the responses (arguments?) you can make to those who disagree with you. Better read earlier in the planning process than later (which might be too late!).

I love Miss Manners' advice overall, and this book is such a sane and down-to-earth (and witty!) treasure trove of sensible information. I am making a practice to give it to everyone in my family who gets engaged - including my daughter, who is planning her wedding now, and is enjoying avoiding the excesses of the bridal industry.Of course, one has to use one's common sense as well, to adapt Martin's advice as needed to the actual people and situation. But since her overall advice is to be considerate of everyone's feelings, and make it a happy day for everyone, it's easy to make the right decisions!I particularly appreciate her emphasis on simplicity, and avoiding the "multiday expensive festivals" that weddings have become. And the debunking of all the showers, parties, luncheons etc etc that many people think are an essential part of the runup to the actual wedding.(The only thing that mystifies me a little is her aversion to printed invitations and obsession with engraving. No one I know thinks of printing as a form of fake engraving!)But this is a minor quibble - overall, the book is a Godsend in an overhyped and over-the-top bridal environment. And it makes for extremely entertaining reading as well, given her trademark wit and writing style.

Excellent service and book in great condition. The most useful and amusing wedding book ever!

Consejos prácticos, con un poco de humor. Cultura norteamericana, pero filosofía apta para buena conducta en cualquier lugar. Una joya.

This changed my perspective and I will be a much better wedding guest from now on! I don't agree with everything in this book though, trying to stay 'proper' caused a ton of stress in my wedding. You are keenly aware of how rude other people are being! And proper isn't always polite. If people think something improper is polite, it is kinder to oblige them then stand on being right.