You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation

Deborah Tannen's insightful psycholinguistic decoding of misunderstandings between two people based on "meta-messages" introduced in 1990 with her bestseller "You Just Don't Understand" (males vs. females) has been brilliantly expanded to take on conversations in the workplace, dialogues between sisters, and, in this book, dialogues between mothers and daughters. I missed this masterpiece when it first came out in 2006; as the mother of a son, I did not believe it applied to my situation.Since then, female friends have talked to me about communication issues with their teenage or grown daughters, and I did not have a foundation to relate to what they were talking about. I was puzzled when my sister or I experienced misunderstandings with my nieces, lacking the background to "get" what was going on. I gained more exposure to my mother-in-law when her husband passed, continued to process my own mother's death, gained a daughter-in-law and a god-daughter. My peers began to become grandmothers and I knew I would soon become one. I realized that I, too, needed Deborah Tannen's book about mothers and daughters.I found this book to be a treasure trove of empathy and wisdom, with emotional insights that go beyond the strictly psycholinguistic analysis of Deborah Tannen's earlier books. I would love to recommend it to every woman I know, with the caveat that I wish she would introduce a second edition. This second edition should incorporate three updates:1. "New Ways of Communicating" such as email/texting now sounds so dated and hackneyed it should probably just be omitted.2. Tannen's original 2006 audience of mothers are almost twenty years older; most have become grandmothers or even great grandmothers. Additional research is needed to shed light on the added layer of complexity to mother-daughter relationships when grandchildren enter the picture. Also, young adult women who now have young children have mothers who differ from 2006 grandmothers (eg, education, working outside the home).3. Generational sources of tension have changed, although I am sure hair, clothes and weight conflicts will always be with us. Tannen mentions a LGBTQ daughter once, but differences in the gender arena have become more plentiful and complex in the past two decades. Political viewpoints have become significantly more divisive and polarized, and family members are often on completely different pages when it comes to issues like the Covid-19 pandemic (eg, masking, vaccinations, therapeutics).That said, the core concepts in this book are brilliant, and can be wonderful tools in helping to improve communication between mothers and daughters!

I found it helpful in understanding how easily conversations between generations can devolve. The very relationships that are so important and central to who we are become fraught due to their closeness and importance.

I'm kind of grateful that Deborah Tannen makes it clear up front that her research group was mostly middle-class Americans as I found this book to be a somewhat disappointing and stereotypical series of descriptions of families that seem to have codependence and boundary issues. There are many descriptions of mother-daughter interactions where they seem to be jockeying for position and dominance and control; behaviours that in other works she describes as tendencies of men.Perhaps these are cultural differences, I'm British & she is American & so there are bound to be differences and bafflements. For example, Tannen writes that "report-talk" is not a conversational style for women & yet I hear women using this conversational style most days, & I use it myself. & I hear men responding to this gambit in the way she reports women as responding to it.That said, I am an admirer of Tannen's writings & recognise that she is writing from her research & experience while I am considering her words as a woman from a different culture who has had different experiences & interactions. This book, while disappointing in some ways, is still a great way to gain insight into how others struggle to communicate clearly & how difficult it can be to arrive at reasonable interpretations of what was actually intended versus what what was heard. There is almost always an emotional aspect to communication & we all have filters that can be a barrier to speaking or listening well. I'll be giving my mother & my daughter copies of this book, it will be fascinating to hear their views on it.Some related books that might be of interest are:A lot of what is written here seems to reflect Tannen's thoughts in her book  The Argument Culture: Stopping America's War of Words & for a different perspective on the subject of gender, Cordelia Fine's book  Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference & to improve negotiation skills perhaps  What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication  or  Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life

Left this book lying on the kitchen table for my daughter to grab. She did find it and read it. Much more positive communication since then, and much more reasonable conversations on top of it. Perfect.

Great book! Made me look at my Mum in a completely different light! It had some really helpful stuff in it.

Great parent tool

Helped me to understand myself and my relationship with my mother and daughter. Deborah Tannen is my go to person for insight in relationships for many areas of my life. This is one of my home library reference books.

Interessantes Buch, wobei ich es stellenweise sehr langatmig und leider auch etwas langweilig finde. Trotzdem einige gute Ansätze, für die wirklich tiefgründige Analyse, würde ich etwas anderes empfehlen.