Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief

This special book is a must read for anyone who has experienced loss (all of us), for helping professionals, and for those supporting the bereaved. Dr. Cacciatore has a remarkable way of writing about death and dying in ways that make the journey bearable. Dr. Jo is an expert on traumatic grief, with her own personal experience as well as years of academically researching the subject. She talks about death and dying in straight forward and elegant language with the net effect of allowing the reader into her world and the worlds of others who have borne the unbearable.In our grief phobic culture, where we are pressured to stay forever young, youthful and even death defying, Dr. Jo reminds us that death is inevitable for us all. We have been led to believe the "natural order of things" (that our children outlive us) is sadly a construction of a death phobic culture. Her experience both personally as a Mother and professionally as an expert in the field of grief and loss is the backdrop for this lovely book, which reads like a poem. This life affirming book about death, dying and loss reminds us how significant the present moment is in our lives, and how our need to control even invades the grief process. The book includes 51 brief chapters that introduce us to important topics regarding grief and loss, and to special people who Dr. Jo has helped in her career as a grief therapist.The book reminds us for the need for self care as a pathway through grief. It reminds those of us who are helping professionals for our own self care as a way to provide effective care for others. It reminds me to listen deeply to my clients who rail and cry over their losses, deeply listen, rather than cut off their stories to share with them whatever "intervention" I believe will help their suffering. In fact, Dr. Jo reminds us that it is the telling of the story of the lost beloved which is perhaps the most healing part of therapeutic treatment - the opportunity to deeply listen, to immerse myself in the suffering of my client with them.We learn in this book that grief cannot be circumvented. We must immerse ourselves in it to fully experience it. Inhabit the grief; listen to the grief; learn from our grief and loss. And perhaps, but without guarantee, we may someday be able to make meaning out of our unbearable losses following kindness, care and attention to ourselves and our grief. In this medicalized culture where we are encouraged to take a pill (or twenty) to shove away our feelings and numb ourselves to the experiences of life (both good and bad) it seems a radical approach. Having personally witnessed the effect that deep listening can provide to a bereaved person, I am convinced that this is the only way.Thank you, Dr. Cacciatore, for this important work. I hand it out to all of my clients, and have given copies to family and friends. I highly recommend it to all who hope to help those who cry for their beloved family members, gone all too soon.

If you ever find yourself wondering what to do for someone who has experienced the death of a child or someone close to them, buy two copies of this book. Give the first copy to the bereaved, and read the other copy to educate yourself on how to comfort your grieving loved one. The cost of the book is a fraction of what it takes to have flowers delivered, and it will do far more good and have a much more lasting impact than any bouquet could offer. Of the many books I have read about grief and loss, this was by far the most helpful. Before I was even halfway finished with this book, I ordered another ten copies to give as gifts. As of this writing, I have four copies left.Writing as someone who facilitates support groups for parents whose children have died and as a bereaved parent, I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone who is grieving or who wants to help someone who is. After the deaths of my two oldest sons at the age of 21, the depth of my grief terrified me. I dared not fully surrender to it, afraid of where it might take me and unsure of whether I could ever return to a functional life afterwards. To me, grief was a feeling I suppressed as much as possible, and something I fought like a tiger when I could not escape its clutches. Dr. Cacciatore helped me (in her words) “to understand that monster [grief] isn’t separate from me.” "Bearing the Unbearable" lays bare the process of grief, making it available for inspection and understanding. And seen in the light of day, I found it to be far less frightening.Some writers are great storytellers and some have a poetic way with words; others are masters of their subject matter. Dr. Cacciatore combined all three talents to produce a book that is loving, informative, unflinching, soothing, honest (sometimes brutally so), and uplifting. Although the book is an easy read and I am a voracious reader, I did not finish it in one sitting. I paused frequently to savor Dr. Jo’s words and let them sink into my heart and soul. I then re-read the book with a highlighter at hand, marking some passages that I believed would be valuable in a support group setting, and other sections that seemed to have been written just for me. Chapters 12 and 18, "Intensity and Coping" and "The Practice of Being With", were inspiring to me as a facilitator. "Early Manifestations of Grief", Chapter 4, is the most heavily highlighted chapter in my copy, and it has proved particularly helpful in group with the newly-bereaved. But Chapter 13, "Contraction and Expansion", truly spoke to my soul. It defined for me in hindsight a process that I have experienced time and again since the deaths of my sons. I came to see that my periods of contraction were not evidence of a failure to cope, but were instead a valuable coping mechanism.As she is well-acquainted with grief in its many forms, Dr. Cacciatore’s thoughtful words serve to make bereavement less terrifying. Her unique understanding of grief makes me certain that I can navigate this journey, and relying on "Bearing the Unbearable" gives me confidence that I can help others do it, too.Dr. Cacciatore - Thank you for this book. Harriet Beecher Stowe could have been describing you when she wrote: “There are in this world blessed souls, whose sorrows all spring up into joys for others; whose earthly hopes, laid in the grave with many tears, are the seed from which spring healing flowers and balm for the desolate and the distressed.”

My son died 5 months ago. A grief that is inconsolable and unimaginable. I have read grief books. Some good and many bad. This book, hands down, best one I have read. The author is a grieving mother, as well as a grief expert. The book is so well written. Chapters are engaging, but more importantly short and succinct, because we grieving parents have the attention span of….well…grieving parents. While reading, I just felt so connected to the author. Later in the book you realize what a compassionate human she is and that comes through in the words. Sincere. Honest. 15/10 recommend.

I gifted this to my best friend after her mother passed away and she really enjoyed the book