The Gifts of Imperfection: 10th Anniversary Edition: Features a New Foreword and Brand-New Tools (paperback)

I don't say "life-changing" very often especially when it comes to self-help books, as there is so much dross out there. However, Brene Brown's book is an amazing revelation. I am one of those people who's a chronic perfectionist and has always struggled with just being real, being me, feeling that this is enough. My coach recommended this book around the same time that a friend sent me a link to Brene Brown's TEDx Talk on the subject of vulnerability & shame (highly recommended - google it!). Her style of writing makes it feel like she's a friend telling you all of this fascinating stuff over a coffee. Her work is heavily research based so I have no doubts about its validity - and the real kicker is that not only is (was) she a perfectionist herself but her research led her on this journey of discovery which resulted in a "breakdown" and a total realigning of her values and ideas about self-worth and feeling "I am enough". I've always found most texts on self worth etc to just fail to hit the mark, but Brown's book hit me between the eyes; perhaps the time in my life was perfect and I was ready to receive the message. I've already had some amazing results having embraced the idea of imperfection and vulnerability, in terms of having some very real, very close friendships develop. So to summarise the last paragraph, as well as being research-based, she backs this up with her own experiences, as well as countless experiences of other people who've posted to her website/blog. Where the book fell short of expectations (only a little), is that I don't feel it does quite enough to help the reader figure out how to apply it to their lives. Brown divides the book up into 10 "guideposts" (sub-concepts, basically) and at the end of each guidepost chapter she gives a kid of an exercise to make you think about how you can apply it (sometimes using her own examples of how she achieves this). But I found these a bit brief and was left wanting more "how-to". Maybe I'm lazy, or expecting too much, but I was kinda hoping for a little more instruction/direction. That said, perhaps I'm being naive - perhaps it simply isn't feasible or possible to do that, because each person is unique, and so are their circumstances. One of the most subtle but fundamental effects this book will have on you, is that by the end of it you will feel like you know Brene Brown, that you see her as a vulnerable imperfect lovely person whom you could meet randomly by chance and have a great conversation with, a real honest conversation with no b.s. and no pretence. But that is not the fundamental subtle effect I'm talking about - what I'm saying is that this nice feeling towards her, is an implicit demonstration of how vulnerability and imperfection and being real, are the very qualities that foster better & deeper connections with other human beings. Her book is one giant demonstration of how her own honesty and courage make her a wonderful person - she leads by example time and time again and this is what makes this book incredible - she didn't just research & publish something, she lived it and breathed it, then had the courage to include her very personal experiences in the book. This I feel is leading by example, and inspired me to have the courage to drop the b.s. pretence and be myself. If you buy this book, bear in mind that you will have to read it twice. Why? Because the first time you read it, you'll be pretty riveted and won't want to stop reading to take notes or write down any ideas you have about how to apply it to your own life. I plan to read it a second time and to write a page or so of bullet-points, things to apply to daily life. The concepts are of course going to be new to many of you, so don't be surprised if you don't get it at first. As in all areas of life, breakthroughs are often preceded by confusion! I'd like to see a 2nd edition of this book come out some day with some more specific methods of applying this. That said, Brene Brown has had a major impact on me and I'm very grateful for it - I really think her work could change a lot of peoples' lives.

I think this book is about finding courage. Courage to be your true authentic self. To discover what has been preventing you from allowing yourself to be just that. Courage to start believing that in order to feel joy in our lives, we have to let go of the belief that says that we're not worthy of love of belonging. Or a belief that says we have to hustle for it and fit in. If we don't do that we simply betray our soul. Which often causes us to suffer. Living authentically is not easy in today's culture. When you start doing it - you will start annoying some people in your life. Practicing vulnerability is not easy either. We need to be careful who we share our stories with. By staying compassionate and connected towards/with ourselves we stay connected. Connected to thing called life. We accept ourselves fully. And that's difficult. That's because it will involve setting boundaries and holding others accountable for their behaviour. And what often prevents us from doing all the above ? Shame. A fear that we're unlovable. But the good news is, that we're all capable of developing shame resilience. We have to realize that it's important to talk about it. It's important to respond to shame. If we don't, it will just keep growing, making us miserable and inauthentic. Choosing authenticity is not easy. But it's important to recognise which areas in our lifes we can practice letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. Areas such as relationships, parenting, work, friendships, hobbies and play time. Being real can feel risky. But I think there's even greater risk: hiding yourself and your gifts from the world. We also have to let go of perfectionism. It exists on a continuum and we all have it to some degree. It often stops us from succeeding in life. It may lead to depression, anxiety and addiction. We often think that perfectionism will protect us, whereas in fact it stops us from being seen. Nobody is perfect. We all have "cracks". And when we're able to stop hiding them, this is where our "light" can come through. In a beautiful, authentic, imperfect way. In summary, this book reminded me of why we're here: to connect with one another, with the world, with our passions. Through vulnerability and courage. So as a result we can connect with: our true selves ❤️

Brene Covers so many things in this book that it deserves at least a few reads to digest everything. After a research on how "Whole-hearted" people live, she found out that these people had a certain perspective on life and embraced a few practices regularly that made a huge change in how open they were to life. After finishing this book, I picked up quite a few distinctions worth applying. When you feel shame, the reflex that is conditioned in our society, heck even more conditioned in INDIAN society is to be embarrassed. Shame can come from so many angles, but so many of us are strangled by our introverted world views that we do not give enough credit to ourselves as being people who DESERVE to feel. When you feel shame, DON'T HIDE, instead, open up! There's chapters on cultivating authenticity, being more compassionate towards our own selves and giving ourselves the love and acceptance we deserve. To anyone who's looking to read a book, this book is rated #1 on Self Esteem, even though I believe Nathaniel Branden's works are better in that department, but this book EXCELS. It is definitely worth a read and a re read and it will bring a different courageous angle to the way you see life. It did to mine when I thought, what's wrong with singing in public. I tried, I sucked and I laughed about it haha At the end of every chapter, there's suggestions on how to apply the lesson called DIG deep, get inspired and get going. They offer valuable suggestions on how to use the info and other books and authors that cover the topics in details Definitely worth a read.

Ho acquistato questo libro dopo avere visto, per un centinaio di volte, il video TED di Brené Brown "The power of vulnerability". Non posso certamente dire che sono rimasto deluso dal testo, anche se, ahimé, debbo dire che l'autrice ripete SEMPRE-LE-STESSE-COSE, ovunque. Online, su riviste, e sui libri che scrive (sempre la stessa solfa). Sicuramente può aiutare chi si trova in un periodo di transizione. A mio avviso, per dirla con le parole di Umberto Galimberti, è un libro che avvicina all'intelligenza emotiva, e allontana dal pericolosissimo "analfabetismo emotivo"; insomma, si capisce come (secondo la sua teoria, che peraltro condivido per la maggior parte) funzionano i meccanismi di vergogna, colpa, paura della disconnessione. E' sbagliato immaginare il video come una terapia; tutt'al più è sicuramente un buon punto di partenza per chi ha qualche problema della sfera sociale. Ho letto il libro in lingua originale, ossia in inglese, poiché la versione italiana è pietosa. In ogni caso si capisce tutto perfettamente, è scritto in stile "americano", ossia a prova di beota.

-I originally bought this book in May of 2011. I can't remember exactly why it spoke to me, but I know I was looking for self esteem boosting books. I think maybe the title resonated because I realized I was having some trouble with perfectionism. Accepting mistakes, compassion for myself, forgiving myself, but also pushing forward to being a better person, a better worker, friend, girlfriend, etc. It resonates today because I see how much of a perfectionist I can be, and how much trouble I am having forgiving myself for past mistakes, and trying not to label myself because of them. I am having trouble sufficiently feeling the guilt enough to change, letting that feeling in, but then forgiving myself, and not letting those behaviors define who I am as a person. How did the book address this? -I think these quotes from the book really get to the heart of the message: "Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.... Healthy striving is self-focused--How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused--What will they think?... Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it's because we weren't perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right." Brown, Brene (2010-09-20). The Gifts of Imperfection (p. 56-57). Hazelden. Kindle Edition. -What I got from this is that perfectionism tricks us into thinking we have it all: we can feel connected and invulnerable and in control. BUT, it is ultimately unsatisfying because it #1) it is a lie. We aren't in control or invulnerable, or perfect. And #2) it requires us to change who we are -- and the connection we most desire is a connection based on being truly known by another person. So in order to feel connected AND known, we have to accept the reality that we are imperfect, and we are vulnerable, and we are not in control. -And while connection is obviously a huge source of joy, Brene also talks about the other kinds of joy that perfectionism halts in its tracks: meaningful work, enjoyable hobbies, creative endeavors, etc. Again, because perfectionism tries to give us a sense of control, and thereby tries to prevent the possibility of loss, we often don't even try to have joyful things, or we deny the level of joy something is giving us in order to feel less hurt when it leaves. -And the book has a lot of great suggestions as to ways get past the feelings of inadequacy perfectionism is rooted in, and also ways to lean into the vulnerability of imperfection. Another great topic the book covered (and that it alerted me to) was the importance of shame as a barrier to self acceptance and love and joy. (But as you will see below, I really recommend its sister book for more on this piece). And I love Brene's emphasis on authenticity as a goal. It is fascinating and inspiring. Where I still don't feel resolution: -One of the things she mentions to get when you are feeling shame is getting connected, sharing your story. But I have a few concerns about that: -She doesn't explain in detail WHO has earned the right to hear your story and HOW to cultivate those friendships. If you are reading the book is stands to reason that you may very well not have those friendships. If you are cultivating your authenticity and dealing with feelings of inadequacy, you may have surrounded yourself with inauthentic and judgmental people because of your need for approval from these types. -Even if you are at some stage where you have a few compassionate and caring friends (which I do feel lucky enough to have), it requires them to always be open to your shame at the moment you need them without regard to the "stuff" they bring to the day. If you are feeling shame about X today, and so are they, your attempt at connection may trigger their shame even deeper and they will "imperfectly" push you away. I wanted her to talk more about those situations. It is great when you can have an empathetic ear to listen, and it feels amazing, but even with the world's best friends, you cannot always expect that will be available to you whenever you need it. -And then even if you catch your friends on a day where they are feeling great, or can be present to your needs and your shame, what if you are a "gusher," and you are at the beginning stages of dealing with your inadequacy issues, and you feel shame "a lot"? You can become an emotional drain to them, and push them away. I wanted some more information about self-soothing in shame situations, or how to manage connecting with friends in those moments. I am still not sure how I am going to be able integrate this intellectual understanding into a daily practice. When I do something "wrong", especially something I have done wrong a hundred times before, will I be able to lean into the guilt, instead of the shame? Will I be able to lean into the vulnerability? Will I be able to be present to the vulnerability around me? I know a big part of this is simply practice. And finding strategies that resonate. But the first step for me is an intellectual understanding, and this is certainly worth reading if that is something that is important to you. Supplementary Materials: - I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power : Brene's other book. Really great book about shame - I didn't know how important shame was until I read this, but trust me, it is very important and taught me a TON. - Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life :talks about the "gusher", but you can get the quick version in this article in the huffington post website called: Judith Orloff MD: Are You an Emotional Gusher? (Amazon won't let me post the link, but searching should easily pull it up)

Great Book

Brené Brown is fantastic! This book has changed the way I see myself and the world around me! Definitely great!