The Gifts of Imperfection: 10th Anniversary Edition: Features a new foreword and brand-new tools

-I originally bought this book in May of 2011. I can't remember exactly why it spoke to me, but I know I was looking for self esteem boosting books. I think maybe the title resonated because I realized I was having some trouble with perfectionism. Accepting mistakes, compassion for myself, forgiving myself, but also pushing forward to being a better person, a better worker, friend, girlfriend, etc. It resonates today because I see how much of a perfectionist I can be, and how much trouble I am having forgiving myself for past mistakes, and trying not to label myself because of them. I am having trouble sufficiently feeling the guilt enough to change, letting that feeling in, but then forgiving myself, and not letting those behaviors define who I am as a person. How did the book address this? -I think these quotes from the book really get to the heart of the message: "Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.... Healthy striving is self-focused--How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused--What will they think?... Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it's because we weren't perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right." Brown, Brene (2010-09-20). The Gifts of Imperfection (p. 56-57). Hazelden. Kindle Edition. -What I got from this is that perfectionism tricks us into thinking we have it all: we can feel connected and invulnerable and in control. BUT, it is ultimately unsatisfying because it #1) it is a lie. We aren't in control or invulnerable, or perfect. And #2) it requires us to change who we are -- and the connection we most desire is a connection based on being truly known by another person. So in order to feel connected AND known, we have to accept the reality that we are imperfect, and we are vulnerable, and we are not in control. -And while connection is obviously a huge source of joy, Brene also talks about the other kinds of joy that perfectionism halts in its tracks: meaningful work, enjoyable hobbies, creative endeavors, etc. Again, because perfectionism tries to give us a sense of control, and thereby tries to prevent the possibility of loss, we often don't even try to have joyful things, or we deny the level of joy something is giving us in order to feel less hurt when it leaves. -And the book has a lot of great suggestions as to ways get past the feelings of inadequacy perfectionism is rooted in, and also ways to lean into the vulnerability of imperfection. Another great topic the book covered (and that it alerted me to) was the importance of shame as a barrier to self acceptance and love and joy. (But as you will see below, I really recommend its sister book for more on this piece). And I love Brene's emphasis on authenticity as a goal. It is fascinating and inspiring. Where I still don't feel resolution: -One of the things she mentions to get when you are feeling shame is getting connected, sharing your story. But I have a few concerns about that: -She doesn't explain in detail WHO has earned the right to hear your story and HOW to cultivate those friendships. If you are reading the book is stands to reason that you may very well not have those friendships. If you are cultivating your authenticity and dealing with feelings of inadequacy, you may have surrounded yourself with inauthentic and judgmental people because of your need for approval from these types. -Even if you are at some stage where you have a few compassionate and caring friends (which I do feel lucky enough to have), it requires them to always be open to your shame at the moment you need them without regard to the "stuff" they bring to the day. If you are feeling shame about X today, and so are they, your attempt at connection may trigger their shame even deeper and they will "imperfectly" push you away. I wanted her to talk more about those situations. It is great when you can have an empathetic ear to listen, and it feels amazing, but even with the world's best friends, you cannot always expect that will be available to you whenever you need it. -And then even if you catch your friends on a day where they are feeling great, or can be present to your needs and your shame, what if you are a "gusher," and you are at the beginning stages of dealing with your inadequacy issues, and you feel shame "a lot"? You can become an emotional drain to them, and push them away. I wanted some more information about self-soothing in shame situations, or how to manage connecting with friends in those moments. I am still not sure how I am going to be able integrate this intellectual understanding into a daily practice. When I do something "wrong", especially something I have done wrong a hundred times before, will I be able to lean into the guilt, instead of the shame? Will I be able to lean into the vulnerability? Will I be able to be present to the vulnerability around me? I know a big part of this is simply practice. And finding strategies that resonate. But the first step for me is an intellectual understanding, and this is certainly worth reading if that is something that is important to you. Supplementary Materials: - I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power : Brene's other book. Really great book about shame - I didn't know how important shame was until I read this, but trust me, it is very important and taught me a TON. - Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life :talks about the "gusher", but you can get the quick version in this article in the huffington post website called: Judith Orloff MD: Are You an Emotional Gusher? (Amazon won't let me post the link, but searching should easily pull it up)

The Gifts of Imperfection is a well written, thoroughly researched, compassionate must read book from the perspective of a seasoned and trustworthy professional, which contains a plethora of concrete information about how to live more genuinely and capably in the face of fear and self-doubt.Brene’ Brown writes her guide to achieving self-acceptance, self-esteem and well-rounded living, by focusing on her years of research on shame, fear, and vulnerability, providing the reader with specific ways people think and act that either challenge or welcome the topics. She highlights both hindrances and aids to living fully in ten guideposts or chapters, in which she explains ways people can use the information she’s learned from her research to let go of negative thoughts and emotions and let in the things that provide joy and contentment. The author’s ability to communicate, her status as an empathetic peer, and knowledge as a practiced researcher and social worker, shine through her writing, expertly bringing together her writing style and the useful information she imparts. Brown writes intelligently and from the heart about the findings of her decade long research, providing personal anecdotes to frame the information, which humanizes her ideas, making the research less scientific and more relatable and applicable for the reader. The author tells the story of her own journey of curiosity, exploration, and growth which develops alongside her shame research. Brown tells about using her data to assemble a “do” and “don’t” list for feeding shame, fear, and vulnerability, and realizing, “This is just great, I’m living straight down the s*** list.” (xii) When she admits that this led to her “2007 Breakdown Spiritual Awakening,” the reader feels comforted and less overwhelmed by learning he or she is living similarly. By telling her own story and those of family, friends, and contributors to her blog, Brown powerfully and positively influences the reader’s experience of reading, processing, and retaining essential concepts. This book provides its reader with a wealth of helpful and applicable information to be used now and in the future, not only planting the seeds for thinking about changing perspectives on shame, but providing the building blocks for developing new ways of thinking, acting, and living. Brown doesn’t simply suggest that a reader combat shame, for example, she tells how the people in her research live successful, complete lives in the face of it: with courage, compassion, and connection. In this example, one of many in the book where she shows not tells the reader how to enact change, there are clear definitions of the three C’s. The reader learns about living courageously and compassionately by the research Brown cites and examples she gives from people’s personal experiences. Brown efficiently communicates using similar methods for teaching the reader her other topics, which range from cultivating a resilient spirit, cultivating creativity, to cultivating meaningful work. The reader finishes the book both satisfied with the results and ready to read it again, knowing new ideas will be available each time through. The winning combination of Brown’s personality, expertise and wisdom is irresistible and not to be missed. Both her personal and work experiences stand alone as readable material, but together they are entertaining and therapeutic. Any person looking to make his or her life better should look no further than The Gifts of Imperfection, as Brown has discovered in her research an area of sociology from which we can all benefit in a myriad of ways.

Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection is an inspiring and transformative guide for anyone striving to embrace their true self in a world that often demands perfection. With her characteristic warmth, wit, and research-driven insights, Brown invites readers on a journey toward wholehearted living—a concept rooted in authenticity, courage, and self-compassion. One of the book’s most compelling aspects is its practicality. Brown doesn’t just talk about the importance of vulnerability, belonging, and worthiness; she provides ten actionable guideposts to help readers cultivate these qualities in their own lives. Whether it’s letting go of perfectionism, embracing play and rest, or practicing gratitude, each guidepost feels attainable and deeply relevant. Brown’s approach to topics like shame and self-worth is refreshingly honest. Her ability to weave personal anecdotes with academic research makes the book both relatable and credible. For instance, her exploration of self-compassion and shame resilience is particularly impactful, as it challenges societal norms while offering tools for emotional healing and connection. The book also excels in its tone and structure. It’s conversational without being superficial and reflective without being overly dense. Brown’s anecdotes and humor lighten the weight of the subject matter, making it an accessible read for diverse audiences. If there’s one takeaway from The Gifts of Imperfection, it’s this: we are worthy of love and belonging as we are—not when we achieve perfection. This profound message has the power to shift perspectives and ignite meaningful change. Whether you’re navigating personal challenges, seeking deeper connections, or simply yearning to live a more authentic life, The Gifts of Imperfection is a must-read. It’s not just a book; it’s a companion for anyone daring to show up, be seen, and live bravely.

I love the content of this book, and I want to read it and re-read it again to stay on the right path. Some of the most helpful points for me were: 1. In order to feel joy, you have to lean into uncomfortable feelings and not numb pain (through food, TV, substances, sex/love, obsessions, etc), because you can't selectively numb emotions, so if you numb pain, you numb joy as well 2. That joy will often be accompanied by fear because we fear we will lose the things that make us joyful, so you can expect anxiety to come up when you are about to feel joy or in the midst of feeling joy. You have to be able to tolerate the discomfort, because If you can't tolerate discomfort, then you will lose your capacity to experience joy. But there is no way to feel joy without feeling vulnerability because this life has no guarantees. She suggests, very helpfully, that one focuses on gratitude in order to overcome it. I've practiced this and it helps a lot- she suggests saying "I feel vulnerable right now, and that's okay, I feel so grateful for..." Gratitude is the key to joy. 4. That we think we can avoid pain by avoiding feeling the joys in life, but actually you need to feel the joy fully in order to be able to handle the difficult things that will come up. If you never feel joy (because you are numbing yourself), then when difficult things happen you don't have the inner resources to handle them and you end up having to numb yourself more, then because you are numbing yourself, you don't feel joy, so it's a cycle. 5. That everyone is so busy trying present themselves in certain ways and live up to expectations in order to be accepted, but you can never feel true love and belonging if you don't present your real self (be authentic). 6. In order to be authentic you must have a lot of courage in order to risk being vulnerable, because you could present your true self and be rejected, but if you don't try you will never experience true belonging. 7. The root of feeling love and belonging is feeling worthy, now, just as you are, of love and belonging, because you have to believe that your true self is worthy in order to have the courage to be authentic. 8. Feeling worthy now is also the answer to handling shame. Shame is the fear of being unlovable, so believing that you are worthy is the opposite of shame and the antidote to shame. You have to face shame and practice using shame resilience (which she teaches in the book, which feeling worthy is at the root of) in order to overcome perfectionism. I don't really love her writing style. You can really tell that she loves to put things in boxes, her background is as a researcher, and she loves definitions (and the majority of the definitions are really good and some of them are fantastic). But it means that her writing style doesn't seem to work the best for this subject matter. It feels like if she had a more of a clear, simple, inspirational tone, it could have had a little more flow and felt a little stronger, writing-wise. It's just a little hard to read sometimes, it feels a little clunky. But there are so many amazing parts that blow your mind and change your life, so it's totally worth reading. She made some really amazing points about so many subjects, but there were several subjects she really just brushes through and says basically that she discovered that "these were important characteristics of whole-hearted people as well, and here are some other books to look at on the subject" but I didn't really think she herself made that many great points on these subjects. And maybe for other people she did say things that hit home, but the subjects I felt she could have worked more on were: 1. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith (This is a really huge thing for me, and now, from the book, I know that it is important to have faith to be whole-hearted, but I didn't get any closer to figuring out HOW to have faith from what she said) 2. Cultivating Calm and Stillness (There is so much fantastic information out there on this subject, I would highly recommend the book "Mindsight" on this subject.) 3. Cultivating Creativity, Play and Rest, Laughter, Song and Dance (these are fairly straight-forward topics, probably most people can figure out how to incorporate more of these things into their lives, but these chapters didn't feel like they offered a lot of useful points on the subjects, aside from just pointing you in the right directions towards doing these things- which in and of itself is very important! 4. I wish she had said more about HOW to cultivate authenticity. The chapter on authenticity was chock-full of great points, but I would have loved more on how 5. She discusses using boundaries and holding people accountable to be compassionate, instead of the usual shaming and blaming we do. I could have used A LOT more instruction and advice on HOW to use boundaries and hold people accountable in a compassionate way. This book is life-changing, it is necessary reading for everyone in my opinion. The first chapter was actually the hardest to get through for me- writing-style wise. I actually thought it wasn't a good book and I put it down and considered it a bad investment after reading the first chapter- I felt it was full of fluff, and obvious stuff, and that it didn't have any useful information. But then thankfully, a month or two later, I picked it up again, and once you get to chapter two, everything starts getting a lot better. Then it kind of goes downhill again at Guidepost 5 and beyond. But between chapter two and guidepost 5, it is pure gold.

Excellent! Very well-written and thoughtful. Insightful and helpful. Highly recommend!!

This is the first book by Brene Brown that I've read. I just happened across the title on a friend's Facebook page and thought it looked interesting. How did I live without Brene Brown in my life before?? This book falls right in line with others I've read recently (Stephen Cope's The Great Work of Your Life, Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, etc.) in reaffirming that if you live your life according to "Supposed to Be," you will never be happy. I can't possibly share all of my favorite parts (I have 31 pages of highlights), but here are a few: •People may call what happens at midlife "a crisis," but it's not. It's an unraveling - a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're "supposed' to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are. •It's like walking toward a star in the sky. We never really arrive, but we certainly know that we're heading in the right direction. •Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. •Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it - it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. •The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant, "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." •Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world is a little braver. And our world could stand to be a little kinder and braver. •The word compassion is derived from the Latin words pati and cum, meaning "to suffer with." I don't believe that compassion is our default response. I think our first response to pain - ours or someone else's - is to self-protect. We protect ourselves by looking for someone or something to blame. Or sometimes we shield ourselves by turning to judgment or by immediately going into fix-it mode. •Chodron: "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity." •The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior. •We can confront someone their behavior, or fire someone, or fail a student, or discipline a child without berating them or putting them down. The key is to separate people from their behaviors - to address what they're doing, not who they are. Wonderful, wonderful book. Amazing revelations. Highly recommend.

Wish i had this book when i was in my early 20’s Well written. Should give to all people you love!!

Great book. It really explains how imperfections are every where.

Brene Covers so many things in this book that it deserves at least a few reads to digest everything. After a research on how "Whole-hearted" people live, she found out that these people had a certain perspective on life and embraced a few practices regularly that made a huge change in how open they were to life. After finishing this book, I picked up quite a few distinctions worth applying. When you feel shame, the reflex that is conditioned in our society, heck even more conditioned in INDIAN society is to be embarrassed. Shame can come from so many angles, but so many of us are strangled by our introverted world views that we do not give enough credit to ourselves as being people who DESERVE to feel. When you feel shame, DON'T HIDE, instead, open up! There's chapters on cultivating authenticity, being more compassionate towards our own selves and giving ourselves the love and acceptance we deserve. To anyone who's looking to read a book, this book is rated #1 on Self Esteem, even though I believe Nathaniel Branden's works are better in that department, but this book EXCELS. It is definitely worth a read and a re read and it will bring a different courageous angle to the way you see life. It did to mine when I thought, what's wrong with singing in public. I tried, I sucked and I laughed about it haha At the end of every chapter, there's suggestions on how to apply the lesson called DIG deep, get inspired and get going. They offer valuable suggestions on how to use the info and other books and authors that cover the topics in details Definitely worth a read.

When I started my personal growth journey I was searching for books that would help me overcome my personal struggles related to self esteem as well as personal acceptance and I came across this book "The gifts of imperfection" by Brené Brown. Although it has been awhile since I've read this book I still remember the impact it had on me even after all these years later (I purchased this book July 11th, 2022 and read it throughout the summer). I really enjoyed how the author described compassion towards oneself and I was able to relate a lot to what the author was describing which really resonated with me. Psychology is timeless and what is mentioned in her book will forever be useful in the future. Personally this book has been nothing less than exceeded expectations, a lot of people can learn from this author to contribute to their personal growth and well being. This book is a great stepping stone into the right direction if you're serious about change in your life. Looking back from where I was in my life to where I'am currently I couldn't be happier and this book contributed to my happiness. I'm also proud of myself for becoming more proactive and have taken the decision to have read this book.

Ho acquistato questo libro dopo avere visto, per un centinaio di volte, il video TED di Brené Brown "The power of vulnerability". Non posso certamente dire che sono rimasto deluso dal testo, anche se, ahimé, debbo dire che l'autrice ripete SEMPRE-LE-STESSE-COSE, ovunque. Online, su riviste, e sui libri che scrive (sempre la stessa solfa). Sicuramente può aiutare chi si trova in un periodo di transizione. A mio avviso, per dirla con le parole di Umberto Galimberti, è un libro che avvicina all'intelligenza emotiva, e allontana dal pericolosissimo "analfabetismo emotivo"; insomma, si capisce come (secondo la sua teoria, che peraltro condivido per la maggior parte) funzionano i meccanismi di vergogna, colpa, paura della disconnessione. E' sbagliato immaginare il video come una terapia; tutt'al più è sicuramente un buon punto di partenza per chi ha qualche problema della sfera sociale. Ho letto il libro in lingua originale, ossia in inglese, poiché la versione italiana è pietosa. In ogni caso si capisce tutto perfettamente, è scritto in stile "americano", ossia a prova di beota.

Brené Brown est une perle, je l'adore. C'est un livre qui fait du bien à lire. Surtout quand on a une oh légère tendance au perfectionnisme comme elle. Enfin c'est le genre de livre qui donne une leçon de vie et je suis ravie qu'elle veuille bien partager ses réflexions avec ses lecteurs. Au travers de ce livre, Brené Brown offre une nouvelle perspective pour mieux s'accepter, pour être plus indulgent avec soi-même. Excellent en parallèle d'un travail personnel pour retrouver l'équilibre émotionnel.

Great Book