The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now Paperback – March 16, 2021

Excellent read for parent and child.The best way to utilize this insightful book is to buy two copies. As a parent I read it first. Then I was able to motivate my granddaughter and I handed her a copy. We agreed on a weekly schedule to have a conversation over a meal. The schedule could slide to meet individual needs. In this day and age it is valuable addition for development.

I wish this book had been written decades ago. While the advice is not meant for a parent of two twenty something boys; it allows a parent to see their mistakes and accomplishments in a way that promotes an honest dialogue even through your biggest failures we all want our kids to avoid. I can’t recommend this book enough to read with your kid(s). But two books one for each of you, take notes write out experiences and get ready to share.

I read Dr. Meg Jay's NY Times piece on co-habituation (...) which lead me to ordering her book. I received it yesterday and read it in one sitting. So, I think it's pretty good.As a twenty something, I would recommend this book to my friends and even those still in high school. Dr. Jay teaches lessons about how to ideally approach one's twenties and why it really matters. She interweaves research, stories, and counseling sessions with her patients to make a thought provoking but easy book to read. In many of those patients, I saw my friends or myself. There was the twenty something coffee barista still waiting for the right opportunity to come by. There was the beautiful and successful, girl chronically hooking up and never dating because she's still plagued with teenager, self-image problems. There was the bicycle shop guy wanting to be original and afraid of settling down. What they all have in common is this intense desire to know, "Am I going to make it? And what the hell should I be doing in my twenties? School was so easy, but life is so hard."This book isn't a step by step guide. It won't go into how to systematically meet guys/girls, get over depression, or how to do well on an interview. There are plenty of books on getting into the details. Instead, this is a thought provoking book aimed against the popular twenty something zeitgeist today that, "we can do anything", "there's always time", and "I have until 30 to get my life together." Not to mention the million other stories we tell ourselves like, "I'm never going to get good at this", "It's better to wait rather than choose", or "Everyone on Facebook is doing better than me." In a sense, this book is like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" to personal finance. They are paradigm shifting books that sweep away the false assumptions and beliefs we acquired from our childhood and culture and replace them with solid, real principles on how reality works. This book isn't going to do the heavy lifting for you, only you can do that. This book is the starting point to begin living one's twenties with drive, clarity, and purpose.The book itself is divided into three sections: Work, Love, and The Brain and the Body.Work talks about increasing your identity capital, the value of "weak ties", that you know what you want even though you think you don't, the unhelpful prevalence of Facebook comparisons, and seeing a career as the first step in a unique, customized life versus settling down.Love goes into the importance of taking dating seriously in your 20s, compatibility with possible in-laws, how to make sure "living together" isn't harmful, and choosing the right partner.The Brain and Body is sort of a misc. collection of pieces centered on how your brain, body, and mind works.The Brain and Body section also covered a lot of neuroscience research I wasn't aware of. For example, your brain undergoes a radical period of reconfiguration in your 20s which means now is the best opportunity for learning skills. Or, the frontal cortex that controls a lot of our mature responses such as regulating emotions is still developing for most people in their 20s. Besides the physical brain, Dr. Jay also talks about the mind such as learning how to calm yourself down, how to develop confidence (rather than believing it's fixed), and that you can radically alter how you feel by changing parts of your life.It also has a very frank chapter on fertility and that ladies don't have as much time as they think to have children. The final chapter before the epilogue talks about mapping your years to see how limited your time truly is. It seems common for many young people to talk about getting their career in order or going to graduate school eventually, getting married, and having kids but not all at the same time. Except, when you're 25 or 27 saying this, you're quickly running out of time.It's hard to convey in a review how good the book is. This is the book I wish I could have written in ten years. Not just because of the advice, but because of the patient interviews. I found myself agreeing and sharing the same POV as the patient many times but through the counseling session, it was almost like I was sitting there and seeing my own assumptions fall apart and seeing the truth for what it really is. This book doesn't knock you over the head with what Dr. Jay thinks is right but begins from where you already are and lets you see for yourself the problems in your logic. Just as any good psychologist does.This isn't your run of the mill advice book. There's a lot of popular myths and assumptions that this book dispels with cold, hard truth. I'm a self-help addict, and there was plenty of new information I never heard or thought of before.The underlying message in all the stories and chapters is start living your life now. Take responsibility. Don't believe the lies that your twenties don't matter or that confidence is only innate. For most people, the late night parties, pointless jobs, and random hookups won't be what build your identity, what you care about or remember in the future. If anything, as Billy in the book says, you will probably feel betrayed that you wasted the best years of your life doing all the meaningless things that culture and others mislead you to believe most important. So, start preparing now because the investments (or lack thereof) that you do in your twenties will have the greatest impact in your career, marriage, and overall happiness. As she ends the book, "The future isn't written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You are deciding your life right now."

This book is a quick read. There's enough cited research throughout it to make it feel like you're not just listening to some psychologist's anecdotes (some other reviewers stated this and I disagree with them). Reason I give it 4 out of 5 is because I don't think all of the material is relevant to all 20 somethings. These stories come from 20 somethings who are in therapy - that already excludes the lower class and many cultures from this demographic (as in poor people can't afford therapy and in some cultures there's a huge stigma against seeking this kind of help). That being said I do think there are bits and pieces everyone can find useful here. The book is divided in to three sections:Work - Lots of stories about 20 somethings who are trying to "find themselves" and who are holding out for inspiration for their life's destiny. These kids clearly did not have student debt or family obligations to get going with their lives. I can think of a few of my own friends who could have benefited from reading this section right out of college. It definitely makes sense why these kids felt this way, but anyone who has had to pave their own way will roll their eyes through a lot of this. I did enjoy the part about "weak ties" though.Love - This section is good for everyone. It really emphasized being intentional in your relationships. A lot of the anecdotes here were about 20 somethings choosing the path of least resistance (staying in relationships due to convenience). This section is a call to action for all of us to truly examine what we want from a relationship/life partner/family and if our current relationships reflect that.The brain and the body - Also good for everyone. This section was a call to action to take advantage of your growing brain while you can, and to be conscious of your biological clock. I always kind of rolled my eyes at other women who have a plan to "have a baby by 35" or whenever, because to me it wasn't about what age I was, it was about what stage in life I was in (career, marriage, house, THEN baby). This was a wake up call to me, not to rush into having a baby, but to investigate my fertility and examine my life knowing that if I wait until I'm 35 to start the conversation, it might be too late.Overall, I am glad I read the book. It made me feel good about the stuff I was already doing (I'm 26) and made me aware of a few other things I should consider in work/relationships/my body. If you know someone who is about to graduate and has no idea what they'll be getting into when they move back in with their parents, get them this book.