Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Paperback – September 2, 2003

Even though I grew up in a violently abusive home in which physical, emotional, and psychological abuse dominated every day, and I thought I knew a good bit about the subject from both personal experience and prior studies, I was profoundly surprised that I learned so much from Bancroft's book. Although not a Christian, the author's non-spiritual perspective nonetheless had clearer vision than many Christians, supposedly with eyes wide open. The author's professional career and lifetime of familiarity with abusers and their victims gives him a rare authority and insight. My theory is that Bancroft's shrewd, laser-like focus might not have been quite as sharp had he been trying to write a book that also captured spiritual realities. The author offers in spades a between-the-eyes, perspicuous, and relentless expose from cover to cover -- every word of which was welcome music for my ears as someone who has wrestled for a lifetime with analyzing, challenging, and overcoming his experiences with abuse.Throughout the reading, in addition to filling in personal gaps, I was able to use the book to help sort out details of the present tense abuse of someone I know well. The two are in process of divorcing and she has turned to me for counsel and understanding of situations that are intensely confusing and painful for her. The book could not have been more timely, and I found detail after detail that perfectly captured the many nuances of the sour relationship and enabled me to present a more accurate, comprehensive, and holistic counseling presence to her. Such is the enormous potential of the book for both Christians and non-Christians.It is one thing to view abusers through victim's eyes; it is quite another to view things through an abuser's eyes. Bancroft literally has seen and heard it all -- or more accurately, seen and heard through it all. Only someone who has been in the trenches with the worst of the worst for the long haul, and who has spent serious time with every type and level of abuser, could write with such explicit alacrity and utter lack of ambiguity. His perceptions have an X-ray quality, and his penetrating apprehension of the abuser's state of mind is irrefutable. One can imagine his clients suffering system shock as he deftly dismantles excuse after excuse, efficiently returning each and every attempt at blame-mongering to its rightful owner (them), and stopping in their tracks the most devious, manipulative attempts to excuse, justify, and minimize patterns and incidents of abuse.At first, I objected to the profanity in the testimonies, including the "f" word, until I thought through the matter further and realized that the worst in the book was by far the lightest I have experienced. From both the abuser's and victim's perspectives, a sanitized book might not have nearly the impact of this one. I thought at first that the author's exclusive focus on male abusers might be lopsided, but in several places he clearly included and acknowledged the more rare female abusers and male victims.Other than this and another minor criticism (not relevant here), I already have been recommending the book to others, including my friend above. In fact, I believe it should be required reading for all those in positions of influence, especially pastors and counselors. This is a highly practical, truth-packed, utterly reliable manual for understanding and helping both abusers and their victims come to terms with the ugly realities of domestic violence. The book offers distilled, spot-on advice at every turn, helping victims find their way out of the tangled web of the abuser's control, and helping abusers face the whole truth about their deep-seated entitlements in relationships and their heavily distorted views of the role and purpose of having a spouse.The author has wonderful, Robin Hood accurate sarcasm that absolutely nails the abusers often incredibly self-absorbed myopia. Nothing is funny, however, with abusers' often-deadly desire to completely control every aspect of another human being. Fully aware of the potential for escalating violence for many victims just to talk about the situation at home, Bancroft never blinks as he urgently confronts, exposes, teaches, and warns about this insidious evil. Not only is he able to see through every layer of abusers' cons, but he comprehensively and systematically unmasks their every move and motive. I found myself cheering the author on with each new page and chapter, so thankful that people exist with this rare insight and wisdom. At the same time, I experienced a wave of nausea, knowing how many countless abusers will never seek or be forced into treatment -- and what that will mean for their countless victims, many of whom are so thoroughly conned and wound into the abuser's web of control, that they likely will suffer interminably on a daily basis, possibly for the rest of their lives. This is a must read for anyone in any way involved in the life of even a single victim or abuser.The final chapters especially spoke to me. The following says it all: "Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with its extensive and entrenched root system. You can't eradicate it by lopping off the superficial signs. It has to come out by the roots, which are the man's attitudes and beliefs regarding partner relationships" (366). Another statement brings back my own childhood: "Partner abuse is a cyclone that leaves a swath of destruction behind it as it rips through the lives of women and children" (367). Bancroft sums his own work with a directive to abusers, for which I add a hearty amen to each volume-speaking point, which should be broadcast from rooftops: "Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve" (376).

I highly recommend this book to women and to anyone who works with women. I especially recommend this book to the counselors and workshop leaders of "anger management" classes for men especially those court ordered. I read it straight through in three days and couldn't put it down. When done, my mouth hung open in total shock and amazement. It explained in detail so much of what I instinctively felt was going with my husband during our marriage, but just couldn't prove or get others to see. Actually, I never even knew or realized what I was dealing with until reading this book. I desperately wanted to make our marriage work and believed prayer and my "convincing" him of the error of his ways, would make a difference. My husband had even made it my responsibility to bring it to his attention when his behavior was becoming out of control, and stupid me, I took that as a sign that he really wanted me to help him to change his behavior. This book made me aware that I never should have taken on that role. He made it my job instead of his own, and I soon looked like the "problem" to his friends and family because I "nagged" him and refused to accept the behaviors that they couldn't even see. Number one, they weren't supposed to, as you will read and come to understand more clearly. Number two, it was easy for them to see me as a "B" because over the years I became so frustrated by my failure to get him to see the error of his abusive ways, along with his devaluing behaviors that I became comfused, angry, and resentful. My years of pent up anger came out in subtle snide remarks or arguing that only served to make me look worse in the eyes of those who didn't understand the many years of "crazymaking behaviors" I had endured. Thank you so much Mr Bancroft for putting such a fitting name to such complex and unbelievable behaviors. If it were not for this book opening my eyes, clarifying that I indeed (along with my children and grandchildren) were victims of an abusers assaults and twisted mind, along with helping me to understand why others just couldn't see what I was talking about on the occasions when I did speak up, I would never had started the long hard road to healing for myself and my family. It is still very much a traumatic and confusing experience because of the fact that my husband (now ex) also has many enduring qualities and those are the only ones seen by the rest of the world. I often remember the good in him as do my children. That in itself, just serves to make our situations of why we hang onto the fantasy that they can and will change, so much more difficult to understand, much less others. Not the case for Mr. Bancroft. He knows and has put into words why this is, and just how easily we women can be "groomed" to accept abusive behaviors of men as normal. He also points out that most will never change. They just move on to the next unsuspecting woman who will believe their lies of being a “victim” and of how poorly the other woman treated "him"! The older these men get, the more skilled they become at deception and the more education needs to be done for public awareness to hold these men accountable. Even these men need to be taught the devastations of their behavior and how to recognize it in themselves. They definitely won't change if they don’t see the need to.Mr Bancroft uses his extensive work and knowledge to bring out into the open the "secret world" that many women are living in, have lived in and survived, or possibly haven't been fortunate enough to have survived. The characteristics of abusive men and the red flags to look for prior to becoming involved with them are of utmost importance, as there are common characteristics. I am certain, his knowledge and insight provides some sense of relief to women who just can't believe this could have ever happened to them. None of us are exempt, but we can arm ourselves by educating ourselves and loved ones, along with anyone else who might be able to make a positive difference in the lives of other women and children. I have bought 20 of these books to date and if I ever won the lottery, I would make sure every office of every social worker, counselor, police officer, attorney, judge, local and state congressman, nurse, doctor, etc., had their copy along with mandatory continuing education from Mr. Bancroft himself. From my own experience and opinion, he truly has an eye opening look into the minds of angry, controlling and abusive men and I just can't recommend this book or any works from this author highly enough.Patricia