Ego, Authority, Failure: Using Emotional Intelligence like a Hostage Negotiator to Succeed as a Leader

Great book pass it on

Well played Sir! If you are looking for another "war story" self promoting book, you're not going to get it here. Derek has implemented a perfect blend of history and work experience as a detective, negotiator, and leader, utilizing the negatives and positives of his experience and that of many others in positions of authority. Stick with what works and what has been proven. Being a student of Derek's for a number of years, he has never steered me wrong. He made me learn from my mistakes and reminded me to always stick with what works. When you leave what has already been proven, you reach the slippery slope that can end a career or even a life. Ego, Authority, Failure should be a "must read" for anyone in a position of authority, especially when your authority has the potential to change someone's life, negatively or positively. Great stuff, thanks Derek!

Top takeaways:Tactical Empathy is the deliberate drive to accurately recognize and articulate another’s emotional state or perspective so well that you could summarize it for them.Regardless of the number you have on the list, this AA has to be one of them— “If at any time you think I am being unfair, I want you to stop me. We will rewind the conversation to where the unfairness began and we start over from there.Everything you say causes an emotional reaction on the part of the person receiving the message.Negative emotions, like those associated with ego and authority, negatively impact decision-making and behavior. As a hostage negotiator, my job was to de-escalate emotions, address the negatives and return people to, as the FBI’s Crisis Negotiations Unit (CNU) puts it, the NFL—the Normal Functioning Level.Once you understand what is important to the other person—what they value, their environment or circumstances—they become predictable.Tactical Empathy involves addressing negatives before they are spoken and offering inclusion to direct reports.“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” —Stephen CoveyHNL will help you determine the why. What underlying motivations, factors and emotions are driving the behavior of the other person? This requires the use of Tactical Empathy. Once you understand that, at the deepest level, then you are in a position to:* resolve the issue* make your ask* state your objective* satisfy the needs of the other personBottom line? It’s not about you. It’s about them. Knowing the “why” without asking “why”.Understanding the “why” means understanding the people. People are at the center of all leadership efforts. Leaders cannot lead unless they understand the people they are leading. To understand, an effective leader must be able to build and maintain relationships. Leaders often possess four attitudes, which interfere with building and maintaining relationships:* Black and White thinking* Emotions Are Irrelevant* Quick Problem-solving* InflexibilityMore often then not, listening is enough.If you jump too soon into problem-solving, you will be engaging a person who is not fully vested in the solution or who is not yet ready for agreement.Focus on the process of satisfying the other person’s needs rather working toward the outcome (sequencing). Your voice is your number one tool. It can build up or destroy. Your tone indicates your attitude and speaks louder than your words. A calm controlled demeanor is usually more effective than a brilliant argument.Your challenge is to listen for underlying emotion or meaning.Obstacles to Agreement and Perception Unsatisfied NeedsThese needs are emotional. You cannot direct your employees’ decision-making until you deal with the emotional aspects of the circumstances as they see itFear of Losing Face. Your direct reports will look to you to provide them with some dignity during and after a significant conversationMisunderstood, Maligned, Mistreated or Aggrieved. At times you will encounter the toxic employee, who feels that the difficult conversation is a result of you, the organization or some other person being out to get them. Whether real or perceived, it does not matter because it is their frame of reference Everything you say and do should be considered based on its impact upon your people or peers. Their perceptions count. Not yours! Whatever they view as a threat, confusing or unfair is just that.Putting your people before yourself will likewise pay big dividends for you in your role as leader.Ex: “Nobody’s coming in there. Okay? You have my word on that. We just wanna make sure you’re okay. What happened? How did we get here today?”Get a leadership notebook. When you find these little tidbits [of advice], you need to put them in a three-ring binder and then open that up from time to time and page through it.”Story of Indians and reading glasses and wouldn't buy (gain) so pulled all pairs away and once tried on 1 pair and then asked for $3 if they'd like to keep them or to give back.Bruce Lee once said, “Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”Maintaining your composure starts with interrupting that automatic or unconscious response to a literal or figurative attack. Many people use the attack as a manipulative tool because they know they will get one of two responses. You will attack back (fight) or you will compromise your position (flee) because you are uncomfortable. Both are emotional responses.

Great read! I found the lessons and concepts to be valuable and the anecdotes helped illustrate them. This book will hit home for anyone who aspires to be a leader in their organization, be it business or the military. At a very base level, this book reminds us that we are all people who feel and losing sight of that will lead you in to toxic leadership. My favorite part was around tough conversations that need to be had and that they are best started as information gathering and rapport building before becoming more assertive.An area of criticism would be around “character development”. There are many people referenced throughout the book and I found it challenging to remember who they were when brought up in later pages.

Derek Gaunt, I read your book this weekend. You did a wonderful job on it! I was fascinated by seeing how you combined research and learning with your life experience and came out with solid gold advice! I am extremely proud of your work and will be honored to share it with others! I also found it came at a helpful time for me, as I think “the system” has been wearing down my resilience a bit. So being aware of my own triggers has been very important. I found it useful and have reassessed my own team’s health. Thank you to the best HNT Team leader! From your MH professional team member.

This book is an excellent demonstration of the importance of tactical empathy in leadership. Many of the examples are interesting and quite revealing. I found the book hard to follow. Most of the stories and lessons were from military or law enforcement. I believe that those who are more intimately familiar with these environments would enjoy the book much better and they would find it easier to follow.

I've known Derek for nearly a year and took a 5 week, intensive training class that he led from the Black Swan Group. Well before he published his book, I was an enthusiastic fan...precisely because the lessons that he taught (and now has in his book) fundamentally changed how I communicate.This book is the perfect companion to Chris Voss' "Never Split the Difference," but it stands alone as a complete primer. Derek leads the reader through the theory and practice of deploying proven negotiation strategies in the tactical situations you and I face every day.Out of all the books I've read, there's a short list that I recommend unequivocally to anyone who will listen. "Ego, Authority, Failure" has now been added to that list.If you want to be a good leader, it's required reading!

Probably more useful then Never Split the Difference, and awfully similar. However, it's a far cry from working a well as Tactics by Greg Koukl. If you use it like a leadership tool these two books should help you more in life than pairing up any other combination from two of these three titles. A meeting of the minds between Derek Gaunt and Greg Koukl would make an excellent read!