Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy

This book helped me heal. I wish I had read it sooner. My therapist kept trying to channel me in to other interests - "start a new chapter". That didn't work - I still had some work to do with the old chapter. Took years to get my head wrapped around it. This book really hit home and what really happened. I kept thinking that it was my fault my husband ran off with another woman - weeks after we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. The level of betrayal in this act was just enormous. It's taken me five years to reconcile who I thought I knew with the person he is now. I can finally say that now, after 5 years, if he showed up at my door I would have no problem telling him to take a hike. What he did speaks volumes about him, not me. For years I was embarrassed for what happened. This is a great book and it really exposes the selfishness of people who cheat and cheat profoundly. Thank you Frank Pittman!

Interesting study on infidelity, the reasons some people stray, and the underlying dynamics in the marriage or individuals at the time. Not a self-help book, though. If you are trying to work your way through an infidelity, there are more useful books out there. If you are just interested in the topic, or have healed from an infidelity and want to know more about the subject, I would recommend it (although he relies too heavily on movies as case studies, in my opinion). If you are in the middle of an infidelity crisis and are looking for help or answers, I would recommend other books first (Not Just Friends, Unfaithful, Getting Past the Affair were some of the better ones I've come across).

This one was the ONE I NEEDED...this explained my husbands affair, why it happened and what will happen to him down the road.People who commit these horrible acts have no idea what devastation they cause. Selfishness rules the day when it comes to cheating.I pity any person who betray's the trust of a spouse, there are just some consequences that will be unavoidable but necessary.Loved this book too because the author doesn't give the usual "it takes 2 to make something not work" He goes in for the kill on the cheater and how it's their actions, period.

When I found my wife’s secret email, I copied all that filth and sent it to our bishop and ladies in our church. I read many books on the subject and couldn’t understand the focus on “‘divorce-busting,” as divorce seemed to be my only recourse. Indeed, I am still broken, and can’t wait to see her lying in the gutter covered in leaches.

I read this book years ago after my divorce from a 20 year marriage to a serial philanderer....I found it so meaningful and helpful at the time, and I wanted to see how it held up for me all these years later, with my "mature perspective" on life....I STILL find it valid and beautifully spoken! Thank you Dr. Pittman!

I haven't read the entire book but what I did read opened my eyes to what had happened and it freed me to accept it for what it was and move on from there. I was stuck and couldn't understand ... I was still so hurt. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to turn on the light. A great read.

I discovered this book while I was doing a research paper on infidelity. I kept noticing that most of the other books I used as references kept quoting this one! After reading it, I can see why this was so. This is just an incredibly insightful and sensitively written book on every aspect of this phenomenon.I also like that this book does not side step ethical considerations and even calls some therapists to task for some of the advice they give in this area in the interest of their patient's who have strayed. I don't think Pittman's approach is moralistic, just responsible and common sense.In this book, the author emphasizes betrayal of trust as the underlying betrayal that undermines intimacy. I agree that in matters of infidelity, this is indeed what does the most harm. In this book, infidelity is defined in terms of this betrayal, not just overtly sexual behavior outside of marriage or a primary relationship.

I am an attorney and tend to read, analyze and perseverate endlessly on a problem until I have an answer. When my (now-ex) husband left our 23-year marriage for a woman 20 years his junior, I was devastated. I bought every book I could find, lurked the internet, bored people endlessly - all trying to find out why, what did I do wrong, why wasn't I good enough. I allowed myself to believe my husband's rewritten history of our marriage and family life and accept the gaslight projection of blame that he cast on me as the sole cause of the marital demise. I had no answers for my kids and therapy provided no comfort nor explanation. I stumbled on this book about 3 years after the initial separation in a mid-life crisis website. I have since bought this book for everyone I know who has been through the betrayal of infidelity. This book literally saved my self-esteem and sanity - I only wish I had found it when I first discovered his affair. It would have helped me with my children's grief and insecurity, brought me closure on the marriage sooner and allowed me to get rid of the baggage of self-doubt. I am now married to a wonderful man who loves my children as his own but, without Dr. Pittman's book, I doubt my husband and I would have the trust and communication we share. When my kids are ready, I will also have them read this book. This book is hands down the best on the subject.

When my partner of 11 years fell in love with a friend of his, had an affair, did things that I still cannot get my head around, I was absolutely lost.I was living in his country with two little children and very low income. I could not speak his language, had few friends there and my family lived several thousands miles away on another continent.I'm not a romantic type and could not believe how on earth an adult mature 46 yo man could leave a comfortable marriage with caring loving wife and two amazing kids for a woman who had several realtionships in the past 6 years, has borderline personality disorder and is infamous in the town we lived in.After reading this book, especially the part on romantic affairs aka losing your mind, I managed to put it all together. We are not together, I am very happy, back in the UK with kids, with my friends and family. Life is so good!!!This book is incredible and I think I have a library of around 30 infidelity books. F Pittman talks about different types of infidelity, why they happen and gives examples of real patients of his.It's dense in information but written in an easy to read way, I also love his sense of humor which is visible throughout this book.I would pay any money to have therapy with him, unfortunately he passed away in 2012,

I couldn't help but respond after reading the response "This book cheats you too". The book is insightful from the perspective of a professional therapist. If someone just wants to hold fast to their "standards" and use that as a reason to remain hurt and angry that is their choice. On the other hand, if someone wants to heal the wounds of betrayal and salvage their marriage forgiveness it paramount. Of course we should be able to expect mature, honest behavior from the person we share our lives with. However, once the sanctity of our vows have been violated we have a choice to make. Do we want to salvage our marriage or dissolve it over the violation? If we chose to salvage it forgiveness is necessary to love our spouse again. The bitterness of unforgiveness will fester within and ultimately shatter that marriage.I am not saying that forgiving is easy, far from it. But it is necessary if the relationship is ever going to be renewed. Without forgiveness the one betrayed carries the hurt and pain of that betrayal forever. That alone is enough to overburden them and keep them in a state of emotional angst where reconciliation cannot occur.Do you really need a book to help you decide whether the relationship is worth saving?There is a tremendous amount of great advice in this book for those who have chosen to heal their relationship. If you are committed to salvaging your marriage and healing those broken pieces this is the book to read.

Great book to read. If you are having problems in your relationship, read this book.

Fascinating read doesn't deal with modern media

This book has aged so well. Human nature is still the same. I am glad that I read it. I leared a lot!