Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

Husband and I *just finished reading Sacred Marriage together. We had a couple of complaints, but we both enjoyed the overall message. Our first complaint was the word choices. Because we were reading out loud, we frequently stumbled over the verbose language—many, many times. I don't know how much of an issue this would have been reading silently because maybe we would have just assumed we'd gotten the message where we said the wrong word out loud. I'm not sure. Maybe others didn't have this issue. It could be a matter of speech and the written word being so different. Our second complaint was that there was no discussion or thought questions to go with the chapter content. Well, that is until we got to the end of the book. Which we didn't know was even there since we were reading on our Kindles. Had we known there actually was a section dedicated to discussion questions at the back of the book, we probably would have made an effort to flip back and forth, but that also would have been annoying. I think it makes more sense to include these at the end of each chapter or section and if the reader wants to skip them then it's still easier to do so. Overall, we both appreciated the message of Sacred Marriage. The important takeaways for us both were that everything in our marriage can be used to draw us closer to God. We can use our spouse's failings to view them in comparison to God--He will never fail us. We can use those same failings to grow in our love--not a selfish love that always seeks to be fulfilled, but in a self-sacrificial love that always seeks to fulfill others. We can use our own failings to remind ourselves that just as we are human and imperfect, our spouse is the same. Just as we fail and fall short, our spouse does too. And just as much as we want forgiveness and a pardon for our mistakes, our spouse does too. We can use marriage as a refiner's fire to become more like God, to love more like God, and to forgive more like God. The author uses an example (and I'm totally paraphrasing the story) of a time when his wife wasn't doing something that he wanted her to do. I can't remember what the task was so let's say it's to make the bed. And she repeatedly doesn't do this task. He gets so annoyed. One day she tells him that she's going to love him forever, and he frustratedly responds that he doesn't need her to love him forever, he needs her to love him for twenty-seven seconds. Twenty-seven seconds is all the time it takes to do the task she daily neglects to do. And she basically tells him that maybe he needs to love her for the twenty-seven seconds it takes him to do the task himself. I loved this example. So often we latch onto these little things that our spouse isn't doing, and we think to ourselves "If he/she loved me they would do this" or "he/she isn't thinking about me at all at this moment that they choose not to do/to do this task". When in reality, we're also stuck in the moment of thinking about ourselves and not just doing whatever the task is ourselves. Many times, the task only takes us twenty-seven seconds, or thereabout. We can't keep score in our marriage. Doing so helps no one and hurts everyone. Here are too many of my favorite quotes: -...in one sense, marriage might be the toughest ministry she could ever undertake. "The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other," he wrote. "It is a perpetual exercise of mortification..." -To spiritually benefit from marriage, we have to be honest. We have to look at our disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness. -Who can be truly "happy" while filled with anger, rage, and malice? Who can be happy while nursing resentment or envy? Who can be honestly happy while caught in a sticky compulsion of an insatiable lust or incessant materialism? The glutton may enjoy his food, but he does not enjoy his condition. -You won't find happiness at the end of a road named selfishness. -I also pray it will help you to love your marriage more, appreciate your marriage more, and inspire you to become even more engaged in your relationship with your spouse. When you realize something is "sacred," far from making it boring, it gives birth to a new reverence, a take-your-breath-away realization that something you may have been taking for granted is far more profound, far more life-giving and life-transforming, than you may have ever realized. I love marriage, and I love my marriage. I love the fun parts, the easy parts, and the pleasurable parts, but also the difficult parts--the parts that frustrate me but help me understand myself and my spouse on a deeper level; the parts that are painful but that crucify the aspects of me that I hate; the parts that force me to my knees and teach me that I need to learn to love with God's love instead of just trying harder. Marriage has led me to deeper levels of understanding, more pronounced worship, and a sense of fellowship that I never knew existed. -God didn't design marriage to compete with himself but to point us to himself. -Honor not expressed is not honor. -Contempt is born when we fixate on our spouse's weaknesses. Every spouse has these sore points. If you want to find them, without a doubt you will. If you want to obsess about them, they will grow--but you won't. -Couples don't fall out of love so much as they fall out of repentance. -God doesn't protect Christians from their problems--he helps them walk victoriously through their problems. -When we're most tired, most worn-out, and feeling more sorry for ourselves than we ever have before, we have the opportunity to confront feelings of self-pity by getting up and serving our mate. -"Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power" (John 13:3), but instead of acting like a spiteful tyrant, Jesus got up from the meal and washed his disciples' feet. Instead of using his power to pout, chastise, or gloat, Jesus uses it to serve. -But when we have power over another--particularly power in an area where someone feels so vulnerable and needy and where they can go nowhere else to be served--and then use that power irresponsibly, inappropriately, and maliciously, we become more like Satan, who loves to manipulate us in our weakness rather than like God, who serves us in our weakness. -And yet, as we travel into marriage, there usually comes a moment when we wonder, "Is this really as good as it gets? Is this really all there is?" Instead of being turned away from our spouse when this disillusionment sets in, we can be turned toward God. It can remind us that even our best choice of a human partner isn't enough to satisfy us. It won't help us to change our emotional focus, recognizing we can never receive all the love we need and desire from fellow humans. Instead of realizing that our true needs can be ultimately met only in and by God, some people keep trying to find their fulfillment in new relationships, thinking that what they really need is just to find "the right person," which, when translated, usually means a new person. Christianity does not direct us to focus on finding the right person; it calls us to become the right person. Our happiness is not determined by what is around us, but rather by how we deal with what is around us. -We allow marriage to point beyond itself when we accept two central missions: becoming the people God created us to be, and doing the work God has given us to do. If we embrace--not just accept, but actively embrace--these two missions, we will have a full life, a rich life, a meaningful life, and a successful life. The irony is, we will probably also have a happy marriage, but that will come as a blessed by-product of putting everything else in order. Gary Thomas tells you the hard truths that you need to hear but you might not accept if they were coming from someone you knew. The distance of someone not intimately involved in your marriage helps you to see that this person is impartial with their advice and knowledge. Gary Thomas isn't attacking you, your flaws, your spouse, their flaws, or your relationship with God. He is simply presenting the information you most need to hear. And I highly suggest reading this with your partner as reading it first and then trying to share the information with them might come off as preachy. Yet, I know that not all spouses are interested in reading this kind of content or even in improving themselves or their marriage. If that's the case, then read this alone and put into practice all that you can on your side. Sacred Marriage's message was enough to give this book 5 Stars. The mirror it placed in front of me to confront my own selfishness and self-centeredness that isn't Christ-like and won't serve my marriage is enough to deserve the rating. I do think the vocabulary used and sentence structure was a bit much. It tripped both my husband and myself up many times. And I hope if they revise this book that the discussion questions will be included at the end of each chapter versus the end of the book. Have you read Sacred Marriage? What did you think? Let me know! *Finished this book and wrote this review back in February 2023, but review is just now going up due to scheduling.

I absolutely highly recommend this book to every couple looking to better their marriage together as a Christian couple newly married and ones who have been together for 8 years 20 30 40 50+ years and newly weds and soon to be married as well. New to the faith still a good book and devotion to get!! I recommend the devotion for this book and loving him well together to help with your marriage and intimacy and relationship with God and how you view marriage and your spouse!

I cannot begin to praise this book by Gary Thomas enough. As a minister, I officiate a lot of weddings and I can say without hesitation that I will strongly recommend this book to every couple I have contact with. SACRED MARRIEGE poses the question, "What if God designed marriage to make us Holy more than to make us happy?" Thomas then goes on to deftly and succinctly illustrate how marriage is intended to take us to levels of spirituality most people will never conceive of. Thomas breaks down many of the societal enigmas placed upon marriage. For example, throughout history, various religious doctrines have driven a massive and impenetrable wedge between spirituality and sexuality. Abstinence is believed by many, still today, to be the only true way to achieve maximum spirituality with God. Thomas accurately and completely destroys such apostasy by illustrating how marital sexuality can and should in fact, draw both partners deeper into their relationship with God. This book is also laden with practical examples that will make all husbands and wives ask simple questions that will immediately influence how they treat or react to their spouses. For example, in a section on cultivating gratitude, Thomas states, "I never eat at somebody's house without thanking them for providing a meal; why should I not give my wife the same thanks I'd give someone else?" A simple question which should provide a profound and immediate self-examination. There is also an adequate Notes section and also a very interesting section of questions for discussion and reflection. I believe this section, in and of itself, would make this a fantastic guide for young couples to help set the direction of their marriage and help initiate a habitual and constant inclusion of God in the marriage. I have read a lot of books on building and maintaining a successful marriage. A few of them have been extremely good; many have simply been cookie cutters of countless others. A few I would recommend; many, not so much. Without question, I give SACRED MARRIAGE by Gary Thomas my highest recommendation. This is a guidebook or user's manual, if you will, that will benefit all married couples, but this is essential reading for Christians seeking to take their marriage to its' highest level. Pastor Monty Rainey

Okay, so I have a tendency to just browse and put stuff in my cart that seem like a good buy. Now this book is more than an amazing buy. I am engaged and we are a Godly couple. Our views on most things are similar but being human we have our differences. For me when I started this book it was right along my walk in Christ. Mr. Thomas elaborate on his point and a thought process of mine 'that every situation can be used to become closer to whom God want us to be and marriage is one of the best situation to put us on the fast track.' This book challenges us to look at marriage as a way to constantly reflectbon our actions, thoughts and attitudes within a relationship/marriage and focus on becoming a better us instead of looking at the flaws of our spouses and react accordingly. This book teaches us that our marriage is supposed to reflect on our relationship with God and everything we do to our spouse we are actually doing to God. I gave my fiance to read it, and he is encouraging everyone around him to get a copy because now he is seeing that Marriage really does help us to become closer to God. This book is awesome, I would definitely tell persons to read it and challenge their view of getting married for holiness instead of happiness and watch your relationship get stronger and much much much much much better. This book is more than a must read, its an insight into how to have a healthy, happy marriage through God.

I have found this one of the most helpful books to give to marrieds and engaged folks. It largely avoids the complementarian/egalitarian debate (though it quotes one complementarian who is quite forceful in his views), focusing more on our heart attitudes. For that reason you can give it to a wide variety of people even if you're not really sure what their theology of marital roles is or even if they differ from your own. More than that, it presents wonderful challenges that all of us need; I think many marriage how-tos from either side of the evangelical spectrum really don't focus on the heart behind the decisions one makes in relating to the other and our roles. I think an honest look at the principles in this book would serve to temper folks' zeal about how they see marriage to work by bringing them to their knees in awe of the holy and awesome calling... in other words, to a place of humility where God can work on us and whatever assumptions or formulas we might bring to the table. After prayerfully handing this book to one couple, I was told that they think I saved their marriage before it started. Now that's good to hear! I have to say, however, that I relate very little to the woman whom Gary evaluates his reactions to (his own wife, who seems to fall into stereotypes in regards to emotions, desires, and so forth) or the pattern of marital sacrifices they've found themselves called to make for their particular marriage. And so that is a weakness to me. But the bottom line stuff is great as you think of ways to apply it to your own life--and relationships of all sorts within your life (I'm actually single). Because of its intimate reference to pretty much only one marriage and a fairly stereotypical if lovingly walked out one at that, many will find that it is best read along with other books--ones which do deal with the possible diversity of marital roles and callings for either the husband or wife--to which the same principles can be applied. I heartily recommend the book. Btw, a favorite theology book on the gender topic is Dr. Sarah Sumner's "Men and Women in the Church: Building Consensus on Christian Leadership." To my utter delight in looking up the title of that book just now (my copy is perpetually on loan, so I don't have it sitting before me) I discovered that she and her husband just came out with a book on marriage this month. Yay!! I'm doing cartwheels in my mind at the thought. I hope it is as good as her previous books would indicate it will be.

This book is simply amazing and SO well written. I bought it six years ago and am finally reading it. I can't believe I waited so long (but perhaps, being further along in the sanctification process now, the book can be even more applicable for me). The insights and guidance in the book are all biblically based. The lessons to be learned are enormously relevant for responding both inwardly and outwardly to one's spouse in a God-honoring way. This is exactly what I needed and hoped to find. I am only on chapter six (having felt compelled to get up and write a review), but I've already gained permanently useful insights that I can apply now and fine tune going forward with God's help. I had expected to flag a few useful pages and maybe highlight a few things. Unexpectedly, I am highlighting critically useful pointers and insights on more than half the pages! I have not come across any rambling or meaningless fluff in the book. It is full of condensed quality material. Please order the book now!! I believe it can be a life-changing book for anyone who is married or expects to get married.

I’m engaged and getting married this summer and decided to read up on marriage and godliness. This book talks about the two like they aren’t opposite and that you can pursue godliness in marriage. I really love how the author writes and tells stories in here and how a lot of stories are very relatable for me. I am half way through and have enjoyed it thus far. I recommend this to people who are in happy and unhappy marriages, it can help you learn more about yourself, things you do or view that are false, toxic and unhealthy behaviors, unhealthy and harmful expectations on the spouse, etc… This book is very illuminating and revealing of what your underlying beliefs are and what it healthy and not healthy for marriage in terms of expectations and so on. I think if you’re looking to improve things yourself or just help yourself see things more biblically then this is a great read. And even if you’re not looking for it and just are hoping this could change your mind on things then I recommend this. I think we all could be a little bit more god centered and love better and this book orients you towards that 💛

Though I am a Christian, the thought of reading a Christian self-help book never got to it. But this one promises something different, and it delivers. What I read from other reviewers is consistent with my own reading. It does not give too many "techniques to do", and when it does, it is more like a general principle rather than a gimmick. The author does not put himself in the expert position, and fundamental respects the reader. Most of all, he asks the reader to humble himself (or herself, but I can only speak from the male perspective), to examine the roots of his own resentment, contempt, anger, boredom in marriage, rather than obsess about his spouse's faults. To understand marriage as one of our greatest calling (and thus may be the most challenging, even more so than our career and work) is a very different way to look and prioritize life. Whereas before I may think, "Hey, is this marriage taking time away from my career?" or, "Is this marriage truly helping me to be a better follower of Christ?" (by that, I actually mean, 'Is my wife truly helping me ..." ... see how easily one targets the spouse rather than self!) -- now, regarding the marriage itself as God's call to me puts the marriage at uttermost importance. Whether in Eastern thought or Christianity, there are similar parables about self-examining and self-critiquing before pointing the finger somewhere else. There is certainly the Biblical quotes in New Testament for that. In Chinese philosophy, there is a story of about a deserting soldier who ran 50 steps, but laughed at the one who ran 100 steps. Same idea. At least in my case, my own faults and sins are far greater, and far worthier of my critique and attention and effort, than anything I may find fault with my wife. This book turned the finger around and points to self -- it's a path towards humility. Thank you!

Das Buch von Gary Thomas ist mir eher zufällig in die Hände gefallen. Aufgrund der guten Rezessionen beim amerikanischen Amazon habe ich es mir gekauft, aber es lag dann erst mal eine Weile zu Hause rum. Als mich dann aber vor einiger Zeit Fragen in Bezug auf Gott, die Ehe, Liebe, Partnerschaft usw. beschäftigten, fiel mir das Buch wieder ein. Ich habe es aus dem Regal genommen und angefangen zu lesen in der Hoffnung wenigstens ein paar Antworten auf meine Fragen zu finden. Was ich gefunden habe kann ich nicht wirklich beschreiben. Ich muss auch ehrlich gestehen, dass mir eigentlich gar nicht klar war, worum es in der Ehe überhaupt geht bzw. hatte ich eine völlig falsche Vorstellung (wie wohl leider die meisten Menschen). Die Frage um die es in dem Buch geht ist: Was ist wenn Gott die Ehe nicht geschaffen hat, um uns glücklich zu machen, sondern um uns ihm näher zu bringen? Gary Thomas erzählt in den Buch viel über seine eigene Ehe und eigenen Erfahrungen diesbezüglich und stellt auch immer wieder die Verbindung zur Bibel her. Er spricht über den Grund der Ehe und ihre Herausforderungen wie Lieben, Vergeben, Ausdauer, Respekt.... und vieles mehr. Ich kann das Buch wirklich nur empfehlen. Und es ist auch ein Buch, das man auch nachdem man es gelesen hat immer wieder in die Hand nimmt und bestimmte Seiten oder Abschnitte liest. Vielen Dank Gary Thomas für dieses wunderbare Buch!

This book is awesome!!!!! It has opened my mind and heart to important topics and on how marriage reveals what really is in our hearts, which staying single would not. In marriage we live a reality that is harder than any other and if we follow God instrucions, in His Word, not only will we find peace and happiness even during struggles but we will become holier every day more. God will be able to work in our hearts to make us better persons, will work on our selfishness, then we will want to only give and we will find that it is better to give than to receive. So difficult to express what a blessing this book has been to me and still is as I go back to it.

Good to read to understand what a real Christ-like marriage is about. Full of challenging truth.

I'm getting married soon, and this book has certainly given my future spouse and I a lot to consider and mull over as we approach the sacred union of marriage. Very good book!

This book is one of the most awesome book I've read. It has brought tremendous changes in me. I m in love with this book.