Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Ever since I bought this book and started reading it last night, I haven't been able to put it down except to sleep or when I'm busy. It's very eye-opening and validating, it sees the things you have seen that your mom lacks that your healthy friends or partner's mom seems to have, that loving, nurturing, kind and encouraging way of leading her children. It's especially comforting to know you aren't the crazy one. Your mom is deflecting because that's all she knows how to do, she doesn't want to think that she failed as a mother, and it takes her a long time or maybe never to finally confront the truth of how bad you and or your siblings' childhood was. I especially relate to the part that talks about when you try to talk about your feelings or childhood, she blames you and says, "What you do and say have hurt me" "You're going to have a daughter exactly like you and you'll get it" or the whole "I'm sorry I'm a terrible mother, I should have never been born" and cries or walks or drives away from you to escape. Those who had an emotionally absent or smothering mother, read this book and heal in 2026!

Disclaimer: this is an incredibly long review, because I have found this book to be a breakthrough for me DESPITE NOT HAVING A NARCASSISTIC MOTHER. I found working through this book irreplaceable to healing as the child of a broken, abusive home; broken extended family; broken community; and, broken communist state. I'm hoping this review will help women whose mothers did the best they could, but were too broken to love their child unconditionally. A frame of reference: The "Ever Be Good Enough" title resonated with me to my core. My self-esteem issues began when I was about 7, to be followed later with perfectionist tendencies, anxiety, a lack of self-compassion, and a really unhealthy internal voice. My housemate left this book out and I immediately identified with the lack of emotional intimacy from my mom and others (dad, stepdad, grandma), my mom's inconsistent behavior, her occasional inability to protect me from harm, her desire to parade me around her friends, the family secrecy, and her inability to express an internal emotional world. However, my mom is not narcissistic: she is open now to talking about her deep feelings, albeit reluctantly as they're painful; she does not try to control me in my adulthood; she loves and is proud of who I am despite it not fitting with her world view, etc. That does not lessen the pain, however, of not getting my needs for unconditional love and protection met as a child. My loving mother's emotional problems stem from PTSD from her seriously abusive home, coupled with unhealthy behaviors derived from an unstable childhood (depressed mother, no food or textiles available making survival vs. intimacy the priority, state quota housing that makes it almost impossible to escape an abusive home, and the community selfishness that is par for the course with extremely limited basic resources). She has done her best to actively love me in the best way she knew how, and I am blessed to be so loved. What she has not been able to give me because of her own brokenness and paradigms, I am working through now. How this book helped: Despite a fantastic counselor that helped me learn so many great strategies to feel worthwhile and think positively, when overwhelming situations occurred, I would quickly lose my footing. McBride's book allowed me to work through my aching hurt and emptiness, guiding me through the past and continuing the healing I have started years ago. It has also informed the confused feeling and contradictory messages I have felt from my mother. The highlight: The first 90 pages where the most valuable, personally, for where I am in my healing. Outlining and describing every aspect of motherly love allowed me to create a specific list of what aspects I hadn't received. Before this book, I had not been able to push through my numbness and forced forgetting. It walked me through examples in a compassionate way, helping me remember. The book then guided me through accepting the loss of unconditional love through different suggested exercises. Applying the book to non-narcissistic mothers: The healing process was very easy to adjust to an emotionally unstable parent by replacing " mother was narcissistic and didn't love me in x way" with "mom was y and didn't love me in x way". I also found it helpful to think of my mother more compassionately--since my mom isn't singularly selfish, there was more truth in this thought for me: "my mom did the best she could with her emotional limitations and upbringing, but she still left holes in my heart. It is time to acknowledge the pain, work through those holes, and move past them. " I would also add that the author recommends not talking to your mom about your pain--McBride points out that narcissistic moms can't empathize with their daughters. This advice didn't apply to my mom who does care deeply about my well being but doesn't handle intense conversations well initially. The next step of my healing will be to learn more about my mom's past, which she has said she is willing to share, to understand her barriers to unconditional love. The ultimate goal of this is to heal my relationship with my mother by gaining unlimited compassion for my mom and unlimited forgiveness. Below is a list of additional books that helped me heal (from most to least relevant): Self-esteem by McKay (A complete self-esteem primer. I'm referring to the book, not the workbook.) The Color of Water by James McBride (unrelated to the author)--biographical tribute to a white, Jewish mom from her mixed, black son. I am neither black, nor Jewish, but really understood, related to, and worked through my own pain of an emotionally limited mother. I used this book to figure out where to go from here after reading McBride (the answer for me is to fill in the remaining gaps in the past and gain a greater understanding of my mother so that I can brim with compassion and forgiveness for her. Psalm 139, "ESV"' lines 1-18 (free if you type what I just did into a search engine) I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou (fiction, narcissistic mother; broken daughter) Hullaballoo in The Guava Orchard by Desai (fiction, vaguely related, about self-actualization and indirectly self-compassion. In an abstract way, this book demonstrates how to meet my needs)

This book is great. As somebody who was raised by narcissists and had a year of research about the matter before discovering this book, this book was spot on. It provided me some more insight into the 'abnormal' ways in which I was raised and treated by my parents. When you're somebody who grows up with this situation, and potentially isn't privy to the household dynamics of a 'normal' family, it can be hard to discern what is normal/healthy and what isn't with your family dynamics. Having a book point these things out can be very enlightening and relieving that you're not a crazy person for thinking something has been gravely wrong despite meeting many of the standard metrics of being a well-functioning person (for me, did well in school, graduated college, six figure job after graduation), so I struggled with feeling it to be acceptable to criticize aspects of how I was raised given I've ended up conventionally 'successful'. Furthermore, I will add that I am a man, not a woman, but still found the book to be very applicable. Finally, I have no affiliation w/ this industry in any way, but full spectrum cbd oil has significantly helped with GAD and SAD that stemmed from being born w/ a highly sensitive nervous system, and then being raised by narcs. After realizing I had narc parents, I spent two years working on myself having never tried CBD, and was able to develop a sense of self, boundaries, and figure out who exactly I was. Then I've been in a good spot since that time, weening off caffeine and alc and addictive tech and introducing meditation. Then I was in in even better spot. Then, I decided to try CBD oil since I still found myself sweating profusely in almost all social situations, struggling with social interactions with strangers at work, and realized my sympathetic nervous system was still wildin' out despite my absolute best efforts to change over the course of many years. But then I tried CBD oil and it's essentially eliminated all GAD and SAD and I think I feel 'normal' for the first time ever. Just sharing this because a lot of people who go through this upbringing can probably benefit from similar therapy approaches.

Since I've known for many years that my mother has NPD, I have read most of the books on the subject and was glad to find one aimed specifically at daughters. Like many books of its kind this one is useful for someone who is unaware or just becoming aware that their mother has NPD. Of the fourteen chapters in the book, most deal with anecdotal information about, how the mothers act, what the daughters feel, and how this affects their choices in relationships and the workplace. Two major classes of daughters, the self-sabotaging and over-achieving are each covered in their own chapters. She also devotes a chapter to the passive father model that is often present in these family systems and talks about how the family achieves the "appearance" of normality at the expense of the children. Starting with chapter ten she begins to offer therapeutic advice, however there is nothing in those chapters that I hadn't heard before. She brings up a lot of relevant topics like seeking to rediscover who you are and what your values are, describing what it will feel like to be at the point of health. The number of anecdotes she includes in this portion of the book drops off significantly. Where are the success stories?? I think this book is worth having. You will find that the stories ring true and you will probably agree with her approach to working on the issue. The one big draw back is the lack of major attention to the effects of lack of nurturing in infancy. Oddly enough a book called "Why Can't I Be Good Enough: Escaping the limits of childhood roles" was published back in 2003, by Joan Rubin-Deutsch. There are many types of childhood experiences related to NPD, but most of the people I've met describe trauma, poor memory of childhood events and some degree of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I attribute my own poor memory of childhood not to direct abuse, but to a childhood completely lacking in emotional texture. It wasn't until I started reading the work of Bruce Perry (The Boy Raised as a Dog) that I began to really understand what was missing from most therapeutic approaches. Lack of emotional stimulation in infancy can be at the core of many of the behaviors she describes in daughters and accessing feeling is not just about finding them and letting them flow. When the mother is incapable of responding with empathy to a child's cries, the brain itself can fail to develop certain responses, leaving the child feeling alone and hopelessly different from others. It used to be assumed that nothing could change these patterns but today more is known about these issues, The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge) and Dr. Bruce Perry's work are at the forefront. I especially recommend Perry's book as an adjunct to this one. You may also wish to read Alice Miller's "The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Affect of Cruel Parenting." Update...Narcissism is often co-morbid with other things. If your relationship had violent or extremely manipulative aspects I also recommend Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship.

I won't even read the negative remarks listed, this book was outstanding. It was right on the money in describing the dynamics of a narcissistic mother, and the family's relationship and affects on them. I was speechless. I had to purchase my sister a copy of it. This book was a correct representation of narcissistic mother and daughter relationship. In our family growing up, the world revolved around my mother. Everyone was a tool to please her, which was impossible. Every action done that displeased her was an offense to her, and took, and still takes them all personally. No one could steal the lime-light, or upstage her. Jealousy was the norm, or others were jealous of her. The verbal and physical abuse was always kept in the house. Emotional feelings were not discussed, because they were irrelevant to her, unless they were hers, and she was doing the talking. Everyone wanted what she had, or to be who she was. But inside, I knew she really didn't like herself. Being overweight all her life, she resented that I was petite. Once I told her I loved her, and she told me, "No you don't. I only love you because I gave birth to you, but I don't like you." I was 12 years old when she said that. I became the over-achiever as did my sister, but we were never satisfied with out accomplishments. I spent 25 1/2 years in the military as an officer, was wounded, but was medically retired honorably. When people used to thank me for my service, I felt at odds. Getting 'thank you's' and accolades for the things I accomplished never sunk in. If you asked me if I had pride in myself, I wouldn't know how to answer that question. My first marriage was a disaster because I married a copy of her, and everything I did (and I would do it to perfection) was never good enough. There was something always wrong with me. I started having flashbacks to my childhood. I was molested for years by my step-grandfather, and raped when I was six. When I told my mother about it at the age of 14 years old, it became all about her, not about what happened to me. I only told her because she was yelling at me about how ignorant I was, and how people would use me because I was so stupid. When I married, she didn't come to my wedding, and forbid my Dad and younger sister from attending too. Her marriage to my Dad was because she was pregnant and still in high school. So she never had her dream wedding. Every attempt at some accomplishment was an attempt on her part to sabotage. Instead of supporting my dream of going into college, she would tell me I would flunk out because I was too stupid, and that I should just go straight in the military. But, I knew I was better than that. I received my college degree, and was commissioned in the Army as an officer. Being older, beatings, being grounded, or smacked across the face couldn't be done any longer, so her use of passive-aggressive behavior kicked up to high gear. For years, I would hear the voices of negativity always telling me I wasn't good enough, or I was a loser, a bad mother..etc. So I would try harder, do more, and perfect everything. Now I am at peace with myself at the age of 46. I had to separate myself from her to find myself. The power she had over me at one time is no longer there, but she is still the same. I can talk to her now, but I am on guard because I know that anything she does or says, is to benefit herself. I listen to her talk mostly of herself, and my Dad, who left her after all three of their children were out of the house. Because once we were gone, he went from being her co-dependent support, to her target. I have a wonderful relationship with my Dad, just as the book says, and I always had. Yes, I used to ask why he supported her actions, but I knew the answer. There was no need to forgive him because I never blamed him for anything, he was a victim just like the rest of us. I hope others who identify with this book come to find that peace after reading this book, and know it's not their fault, and they are not responsible for anyone but themselves. By the way; sorry this is so long.

I've always had problems with self doubt and worthiness and I always knew it had to do with my mother and how she treated me. Over the holidays I realized how incredibly selfish she is. I returned home unable to shake off this realization. I found this book and it's explanation of the narcissistic mother has totally opened my eyes and helped me understand our interactions from childhood till now. It's given me a new perspective, and being armed with this knowledge gives me the tools to become the authentic me as well as recognize destructive relationship behaviors due to growing up with a narcistic mother - and to change its course when it rears its head. I had always thought that the problems with my relationship to my mother was cultural. Being a first generation Chinese woman having grown up in the US, I always wondered why my family was not like the Brady Bunch. Why was Mrs. Brady so nice and supportive when my mother isn't? Something had clicked in me over the holidays where I realized the problem wasn't necessarily a cultural one. Perhaps Chinese families have a higher propensity for lack of warmth and empathy, but the root of the problem isn't that I come from a Chinese family, the root is the fact that I was not nurtured by my mother. This concept and need crosses cultural bounds. Just like how I can't change my mother, I can't change being Chinese, but I can choose to develop a healthy emotional self despite of it. I highly recommend this book to any Chinese daughter suffering from similar mother issues... Even though it doesn't speak specifically to culture. Because really, at the heart of it all is the narcistic legacy... Whether it is culturally based or not. I also liked how honest the author is with what to do with your existing relationship with the mother. I was anxious to read this part, because I'm not a fan of confrontation. But she made it okay to not confront her if we cannot. It was very validating to not feel pushed beyond a doable limit. I finished the book in two days time and I look forward to continue healing with the advice and validation from the book. I feel equipped to being able to develop healthy relationships and complete self reliance.... And be able to be a good mother.... If at some point down the line I can convince myself I can be decent at being one!

Holy crap! I am 31 years old, and only now have I come to terms with the limitations of my mother during my childhood, brought to light by this book. I went into therapy last year after realizing I was seriously underachieving, yet remained passive like a leaf in the wind( this was due to the fact that I was always on other people's agendas and unable to act individually.) I realized I was codependent, stemming from being a peacemaker/emotional caretaker at a very young age... and that my "value" to my mom was and is 100% based on actions. She would verbatim say phrases for years such as "I wish you were never born" to "you are a burden" pointblank over and over and over. I was naturally a smart kid and excelled easily in school, but very early on I learned how to shrink myself. In my mid-20s, after having much less contact with my mom (she does not initiate contact 99% of the time) yet still not dealing with any issues I nearly lost my voice. It was so strange and I just knew it was psychosomatic. It has strengthened since the codependent work and after I've read this book and understand where this whole thing developed from I know it will be strong. I would read the codependent books that talk about valuing oneself intrinsically rather than on what one does... I literally could not get this concept into my brain at all. There was a massive block, and only now do I realize WHY: I have been trained since birth to believe this, and actually live and experience an exclusively conditional environment. If you withhold love from a child you may as well withhold air. Please read this book if you even suspect you have a diminishing, overly self-centered mother. It is such a taboo in our society. It is a very hard concept to accept, which Dr. McBride reiterates over and over. We have been trained to be "good girls" and we all want that ideal family in our heads. Outwardly, my parents are still married, their three daughters grew up and flew the coup and they got a dog. Behind the curtain is a nightmare. Now when people ask me if I'm close to my mom I say "nope". I'm done carrying on the torch of pain, delusion and BS. This doesn't mean I will stop talking to her or retaliate in any way, it just brings me out of a deluded, painful and ineffective way of living my life, which is not at all the real me. I wish the best for both of us.

I read this book about a year ago, rented from my library’s ebook selection, and it opened my eyes in ways they had never been opened before. I cried so much! I’ve spent a lifetime in therapy, but could never accept that my mother was a covert narcissist. Seeing myself described in this book was what finally led me to acceptance. I felt so seen and validated in things I’ve been thinking and feeling my whole life. I decided to buy my own physical copy so I could highlight things and refer back to it in times of turmoil with my mother. I still have a lot of healing to do, but if you have been led to this book either by recommendation or because you are seeking something, please give it a try. It is not a super long read, but it’s intense, so you will need to take your time. Even though I’ve gained a lot of peace and understanding, the work will continue for a lifetime. This book is a great starting point, though. A year after reading it I am in a totally new place with how I view and interact with my mother.

This book made me cry. It's so good! I related immensly to it in so many ways. The book made me realize so much. I was addicted the second i started. I finished it in 48hrs. I was reading it relating to it but as if it wasn't me and someone else. The bokk has been very healing , please do yourself justice and read it if this is relatable to you.

se hunde en la falta de amor en la infancia. y en la falta de autoconciencia en el adulto. herramientas para vivir, para todos, ya que la prevalencia de NPD hace que todos tengamos uno en la vida.

Excellent book! Highly recomend it! Excellence in telling who you are and what to do with yourself! Why did it take so long!

There is not a single page in this book which doesn't resonate with me. I was my mother's mini-me, her mirror of the world, my actions a reflection of her, and, always, always, I had to present perfection and a happy exterior. As a child I knew this was an odd existence and I knew I was being set up to fail but I had no voice nor the language of empathy to express my feelings. Everything was superficial, about how 'other people' would perceive me (or rather her). I just tried to please and to seek acknowledgement at every turn but ultimately was left wondering why I never received it and why I was never quite good enough. I am 50 now and my mother died nearly 15 years ago. I saw the light in my early 20s and knew that I had to begin the process of disassociation but I had no explanation for what was going on around me. Now I know what has been going on. If you are wondering whether this is a painfully exposing read, it is not. It is written in a friendly, hugely accessible way - like talking to someone who really knows you well - but if you are not already in therapy you may want to consider dovetailing this with some counselling. I have nearly finished my training as a counsellor and this book has opened up elements of my Jungian 'shadow', freeing me to think independently and enabling me to understand my behaviour, my past relationships and the way I interact with my own children today. The book is divided into three sections: 1/ Recognising the Problem 2/ How Narcissistic Mothering affects Your Entire Life; and finally 3/ Ending the Legacy. The check lists, the questions to ask ourselves and the tips and suggestions for 'managing' your mother are relevant and achievable. There are masses of case studies and reflections from McBride's own clients which make the text real. The book doesn't advocate happy endings or attempt to encourage us achieve harmonious relationships with our mothers, rather it offers ways to keep safe, to foster healthy relationships away from mother with a focus on our own internal healing. The focus of the book is on dealing with a mother who is still alive so my only small gripe is that there is one small paragraph entitled 'What if mother is deceased?' I would have liked to see a bit more on this aspect but I think this is where therapy comes in. However, do not let this put you off. Reading this book has been a true revelation but, most importantly, I now realise that I am not alone.

Seul livre sur les victimes des PN: les enfants du couple. Alors que cela devrait etre le coeur du probleme.