The Happy Stepmother: Stay Sane, Empower Yourself, Thrive in Your New Family

Excellent, easy to read, easy to apply principles for creating sanity in a chaotic world of step families! Who has the mental strength or time to wade through psychology books and in-depth reviews of relational studies when they are drowning in the everyday realities of living in a step family? Katz pulls it all together in an easy to apply and understand process to reclaim your sanity.Katz doesn't sugar coat the realities of step kids, biological kids, step parents, biological parents, and ex-spouses. The intricate and delicate balance of these relationships can be anywhere from tolerable and business-like to all out personal warfare. She effectively allows the reader to feel `justified' in their "feelings" while helping the reader find proper ways to "handle" those feelings in their attitudes, actions, and behaviors.Katz brings to light the fact that some of the stereotypes of stepmothers and their relationships with ex's and step kids are based in truth but most of them are based in anger and bitterness at the situation - not the new parent. She points out that we, individually, are not going to change the world's stereotypical view of stepmothers but we are responsible for our own actions when it comes to our biological and step family. The "other" person may never change (whether it is the spouse, the kids, or the ex) but we, as stepmothers, can learn to "survive" and hopefully thrive in our new family by how we handle our own attitudes and behaviors toward the situations.Katz offers insights into "steps" we can take to build our own character and take care of our own emotional well-being so we can be of benefit to our spouse and children in handling life's challenges. We cannot change anyone else - only ourselves. She does emphasize having realistic expectations in regards to the stepfamily dynamics and explains why these realistic expectations help us in our journey to build a positive step family. For instance - no matter how nice I am to the kid's biological mother - she still hates me. Get over it. I have to answer to my own actions regardless of how she feels. Like the previous reviewer noted "it's irrational hatred and disrespect that has nothing to do with the content of her (the stepmother's) character, and everything to do with people projecting their own unhappiness on her (the stepmother), usually, because it's easier than dealing with their problems directly." BINGO! It is HER problem - not mine. Drop it and move on with your own life.Unlike the previous "reviewer" I do NOT believe that "violence, abuse, disrespect, and exploitation" are "all the things that drove you to buy this book". There are many step mothers who are NOT living in physically or emotionally abusive homes but need advice on walking through the daily maze of step kids and "ex's". If you did not grow up in a step family and have not had previous experience with step families it is hard to imagine the ridiculous, crazy, and deranged things that adults and kids can do when put into the mix of a stepfamily situation. Katz outlines a simple process of bringing emotional stability back into your life by taking care of your physical self, creating realistic expectations, fair consequences, and boundaries. Not all of these things are simple and most won't change things overnight. But, they provide a great outline for molding your family into a "working" unit and polishing off the rough edges. The other siblings and ex's won't ever be out of the picture but we can work on what we DO have control of.Katz touches on a lot of suggestions in different areas to work on personal care and relationships. She doesn't seem to abide but just one way of handling situations but offers multiple options. For instance, she suggests meditation, self hynosis, yoga, and exercise for physical rejuvenation. These are "suggestions" not hard and fast rules. If you prefer only one out of the group then you can dig deeper in other books and programs regarding that particular suggestion.Bottom Line - This is a simple to understand, easy to read book that offers support for our feelings and "steps" to improve our personal well being and our relationships!

I had high hopes for this book, as I want to be a "happy stepmother." I benefited a lot from Wednesday Martin's book Stepmonster, so I thought this book would help me too.But this book seems to be written by two different people. One of the authors tells stepmothers to accept the reality that life isn't fair and that it's not realistic to expect other people to treat you fairly; and the other author tells you to stand up for yourself and be assertive in the face of injustice, and even to leave your marriage if you can't get any respect.I found Chapters One and Two, "Understand the Facts," and "Revise Unrealistic Expectations," to be the most offensive and confusing. For example, Katz brings up the stereotype of the wicked stepmother and says you should accept that society stigmatizes stepmothers. In fact, she says, "the research shows" that the more people try to fight negatives stereotypes about their group, the more "their performance suffered." But then she tells you to "fight" that stereotype. Huh?She exhorts us to accept that stepchildren may be very immature for their age, and that ex-wives may be crazy and vindictive. Husbands will be guilt-ridden, ineffectual parents. Get over it. Life is unfair. Have realistic expectations. "Accept your stepfamily as it is." Oh: except if it includes violence, abuse, disrespect, exploitation, in other words, all the things that drove you to buy this book.I thought, "What if people had told Martin Luther King, Jr, that he should have more 'realistic expectations' about the way white people treat black people?" What stepmothers are often facing is something like racial prejudice: it's irrational hatred and disrespect that has nothing to do with the content of her character, and everything to do with people projecting their own unhappiness onto her, usually, because it's easier than dealing with their problems directly.The chapters on boundaries and disengaging are more useful, but they seem to contradict much of what Katz says in the first few chapters of her book about accepting the reality of bad behavior in your new family. At one point, Katz recounts a story where she actually told a stepmother to accept rude treatment simply because "life isn't fair." I think this is very bad advice indeed. Her ideas for "being happy" in the face of such injustice and abuse are pretty weak: meditating, "self-hypnosis" (yikes!), and yoga. I love yoga, but it doesn't solve basic problems of injustice and abuse. Even Gandhi knew that.In another example of this confusion, Katz endorses "setting boundaries," but she discourages "ultimatums," where you say you'll do X if Y happens again. The difference seems merely semantic. There's no doubt that it's tricky to find the right balance in relationships between warmth and assertiveness, and it's tricky to be both. But Katz doesn't seem to recognize that that is what she is working her way toward: a recommendation to women that they take care of their own feelings and needs while respecting those of others. Sometimes, though, when other people repeatedly refuse to respect your feelings and needs, you just have to be realistic about the fact that they won't, and you have to disengage from them. I think that's the message of the book, but its delivery is really confusing.

Great resource for stepmoms. This book will positively guide you through mostly every situation or circumstance you may experience as a step mom. You will find the encouragement and tools to navigate your personal situation in the healthiest way.

Useful tips, some helpful stuff but if you're reading books like this after several years of being a step parent you have probably been searching for something a little more honest/ direct/ insightful. For me, Stepmonster (Wednesday Martin), was a much more engaging read and reached out to me with its honest look at the downright difficulties that you face as this 'other adult' in the life of a child that is not your child. And how you may feel emotions that at times feel unbearable. If you want a no nonsense, honest look at the dilemmas of being a step mum, Stepmonster is a better place to start.

The book helped me to understand better my expectations and look into it rationally.All the examples and other stepmoms shared experiences was really helpful evaluating my own situation in the step family.

I couldn't be more thrilled with the knowledge and understanding I've gained through this book! The management strategies are not only relevant to step family relationships, but in many of the relationships in our lives. This book will remain an excellent resource!

This is a fantastic book for any Stepmother!!

Loved it